time passages

so i missed the day... actually, missed a lot of days, but this day i reference, the first of may, is especially missed... as is the music, which is so much a part of the first of may... the music is so far away sometimes from the daily life and the people in it... the memories way much farther away (don't be sad, cuz two out of three ain't bad, ya know?)... many years since anything deeply (as in truly madly and beyond) meaningful has been shared or created, alas... so i mourn a bit and at least stop by a couple of hours after the fact to acknowledge when i was small... and how we used to laugh while others used to play... because even if you never really knew that experience or knew me well enough to understand how much that concept and experience meant to me (from the library corner through the leap off the precipice and the beginning of the end marked by tape 62 and the selected rest {72, 85, 95, and so on through 305, 351, 365-9 [or was that 165-9, alas, memories fade], and more, 387, 390, 391... sigh} that followed)... oh (as in oh wow) the music was so much of me outside of this blogging life...

wow, that was an unexpected aside...

miss me?

i do...

besides the music

like the latest or the oldest or those in between, musical journeys (and videos too) have always been a heavy influence on life as i know it... but besides the music, there are a lot of things you would want to know me before you decide whether to really want to know me (and i don't necessarily mean in the biblical sense, as in sex {and they say the bible is not porn, but where is is knowing given a sexual connotation, aye?}, but rather in any sense deeper than hello how are your what's new and so on)... you still here? :)

one thing you should know is that i have imaginary best friends and also celebrity best friends, some i've actually met and they will remain nameless due to respect for privacy and some i only know from reading/listening to almost every word they've said or sung or written and they speak from my mind so often that their writings and ramblings (statements, opinions, beliefs, and so on) are close enough to mine (high probability) so you can use them as a barometer to gauge whether we might be compatible beyond the superficial politeness of acquaintances and casual friends...

harry chapin would top the list... george carlin would probably be a solid second with john lennon a close third... they could easily be my representatives, if you follow the reasoning... there's a start for your reading list (head start, no doubt), i mean, if you really want to start to have some sort of conversation starter to actually (really) get to know me beyond the...

repetition :)

all or nothing

for me it’s all or nothing
and no one gives it all
oh there are those who say they do
but even they’re afraid to fall

for me it’s all or nothing
there is no compromise
and i’ve yet to meet anyone
who does not depend on lies

how many times
can we re-write history
or just forget it
does that really set us free?

how many ways
can we redirect our love
into fear, into hate
or into a god above

do you ever wonder why there’s war
or what we are really here for
or why so many true loves end
or if you really have a friend
can you truly open your mind
to even more than we can find
dare you embrace the reality
of infinity possibility
and unconditional love and trust and honesty
completely open love and trust and honesty

for me it’s all or nothing
any less is disgusting
do you put limits on your love
and how much are you trusting?

for me it’s all or nothing
there is no right other way
and i’d rather be alone than wrong
so now what do you have to say

.

.

.


silence is an answer too

and nothing new

.

.

how many times
can we re-write history
or just forget it
does that really set us free?

how many ways
can we redirect our love
into fear, into hate
or into a god above

do you ever wonder why there’s war
or what we are really here for
or why so many true loves end
or if you really have a friend
can you truly open your mind
to even more than we can find
dare you embrace the reality
of infinity possibility
and unconditional love and trust and honesty
completely open love and trust and honesty

this song does not have an end
there are no neatly tied up conclusions
it is the truth’s intrusion
or maybe just my illusion

this song may not have a friend
there is more or less a hope and a prayer
that someone might hear
and someone is there
are you there
are you here
do you care?

.

.

.

lonely but (to be with me)

yes i am lonely but
i don't want to compromise
yes i am lonely but
i will not settle for lies
yes i am lonely but
i don't want loneliness
to be a substitute
for happiness

yes i am lonely but
that is not where love comes from
yes i am lonely but
loneliness can leave me numb
so how are we to tell
if what we feel is real
when if could be loneliness
is distorting what we feel

just because you don't want to be lonely
does not mean you really want me
i could be just a convenience
someone to keep you company
for loneliness is a powerful drug
and drugs can leave us undone
so just because i am desperate for a hug
does not make you the right one

so if you can understand
then before you hold my hand
take the time to talk about
the things we can't live without
and if you can comprehend
what it means to be a friend
then we can help each other out
to get to where there is no doubt

whether it's loneliness or desire
honesty will take even higher
for together we don't have to be lonely
so we can be to open to what we really want
that is what friends do for each other
and if we find love in each other
or if we find love in another
either way we help each other discover
it's not loneliness that takes us higher
it is being honest with desire

so yes i am lonely but
i don't want to compromise
yes i am lonely but
i will not settle for lies
yes i am lonely but
i don't want loneliness
to be a substitute
for happiness

so yes i am lonely but
the cure for that is a friend
so can you be my friend
you see to be with me
you first must be my friend
to be with me
you first must be my friend

wide awake at 4am again

how many times will i write the same line
will i use the same rhyme
is it all the same crime

oh how many ways can i sum up the days
will i act the same plays
is it all the same maze

the wind blows no answers tonight
just the same old story board i write
how long since i first put down in pen
and i am wide awake at 4am again

i know i need to be in love
i know i've wasted too much time
i know i ask perfection from a quite imperfect world
and fool enough to think that's what i'll find

how many times will i sing the same song
will i right the same wrong
will i ever belong

how many times will i recall the scene
do you know what i mean
was it all a dream

so long ago

can you imagine what the world would be
like everyone lived honestly
can you imagine how your life would feel
if you let yourself just be real
all the time
all the time

oh my god i can't believe it's happening again


and again...


and again...


tbc...


:)

sudden introduction

the one aspect of the plentyoffish profile that is in error, at least in large part, is the aspect of self-control assessed by the website which their test rates as low and further compounding that error, they associate low self-control with poor attention to detail... those who work with me would laugh as their biggest complaint is my almost anal attention to detail, but then, that is an essential aspect of investigative work and data analysis, both part of what i do for money in this world... but that aside, the amusement (or irony?) may be that i do impulsively visit the plentyoffish site every few weeks (usually when i see my roommate visiting her profile and that reminds me that i have one) and a couple of times i actually attempted to reach out to someone (she's a kindergarten teacher who closed her profile with New beginnings are wonderful. Hello Wonderful :) inspiring my smile) and this sudden introduction is what emerged tonight (any wonder why I remain alone? lol lam lal :)

I love your profile, but then, I am a kindergartener at heart (that is to say, in a completely serious and sometimes silly way, the child inside is alive and well in me)... It's not just the kid in me who loves what you wrote though, the whole person I am is applauding your words as you've expressed what a relationship is in my mind and also how to continue after a relationship ends... and I love the word wonderful – and I love the way you used it :)

I am not sure why I joined plenty of fish. I have not actively looked for a relationship in more than a few years. I want to unconditionally trust a best friend who wants to be my best friend (to know and trust everything about each other). That cannot be done online nor merely in words (though I love the written word in so many ways).

Years pass so quickly when life is busy when one loves job that can take as much time as one wants to give it and has lots of friends around to play with when one want to play. That is the live I experience today. All work and play might not make for a dull boy, but all work and play without intimacy and romance makes for... ambivalence?... laughter (at self), at least. Often I am told that I am too honest for my own good, probably because I trust myself, intend no harm, and do not live my life based on what others think of me. Most fear, or at least are not comfortable with, a completely honest open person.

My last romantic relationship was in the 90's. It was the third time I fell in love, the first time since high school. I licked wounds, healed as much as one can heal without another intimate test of how healed that is (can we truly know without trusting enough to expose our "ugliest" scars and the worst experiences we've known and still actually trying again?). I am not sure I want to try again. That is likely because I have not met the person who inspires me to try again. I do not think my baggage is in my way. I do think that anyone who does not have some baggage has not truly experienced love or loss. I believe that our experiences are part of our identity if we do not live in denial.

The next relationship I enter will be with someone who understands this because she will be my best friend first (at least that's the plan and that has me laughing at myself once again because I do not plan much, but when I commit I commit for life - the few I have given my all to will always be with me in some way because I know that true love never ends, even when the trust burns and turns to dust - but does the ability to love and trust unconditionally rust?... I hope not :)

I write a lot. For those who do not love words, I write too much. If you want to know the way into my heart, love words, love rhymes, love music, love caring and sharing and learning and giving and helping. Love life and experiencing every moment as much as possible in every way. Dare to actualize unconditional love and trust. I do. Just ask my roommate or test me yourself as you wish. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else can and yet, there's always hope (an incorrigibly hopelessly hopeful romantic optimist, that child inside is :)

As I see an ideal (hey, we can dream, right?) relationship is when two people share everything because they love everything about each other and everything that each other loves and where the activity is not mutually shared, the one not participating becomes a fan of the other (or something like that). I'd like to know what you think, who you are, what you want, where you've been, and if we inspire each other's smile, the deepest depths and the superficial distractions that make you who you are.

I live near UCF. For money, I am with Quality and Risk Management at a children’s hospital. For fun, I write, sing, run/exercise, cook/eat, and enjoy audio/video at home or at shows, concerts, movies, and anywhere creativity might be found. For fun with friends, I share those activities and also play table-top games with friends. I enjoy other activities, but there’s a start at favorites. I will be in Altamonte playing cards at a friend's late tomorrow night. Also on the 29th at a friend's clubhouse with about 60 people, some friends and some strangers, who love to play board games, word games, cards, and other games. A great way to meet people if you enjoy playing table games. You are very welcome to come and meet in a group atmosphere. They get together through meetup.com, the Orlando Game Night Meetup. Or you could write back, call, or communicate in some other way. I hope you do.

Honesty, that is all I ask for now. Too much? (there's always hope :)

Ric
http://candoor.net
http://facebook.com/bwebbot (I am there more than here as friends use facebook to make plans)
407-325-1482

part of me

(not just a kim carnes song, or cover, for that matter), but the facts of life as i know them is that there are threads (and not just a carole king song, or tapestry, for that matter) weaving through life connecting moments and people and memories and promises and magic and poems and more (and prayers for some, or alliteration, even) and everything old is new again or something like that, but ever so seriously (like a brick to the forehead), i sensed she (a singer known as dia frampton) would touch the roots (the deepest threads of me, that is, and she did at first eye contact… but she was a child standing in the rain and i was an aging rocker even wetter staring at her smile in the midst of the warped tour a few years back) and her words (and music) and several times she blew through my mind (even more than stevi nicks once did, but there are not dozens of letters written to the fantasy of knowing her today cuz I’m older and wiser and more mature and realistic and stupid, or something like that) and finally, she did (you can also listen below, with one less thread) and maybe it means something to you too, but to truly know me (which is a prerequisite to being with me), you must understand this thread and to stay, you must accept it (the feeling, the promise, the dream, the magic, the one, the love, it stays with you if you let it) will always be a part of me for the threads of love never end (they just go on and on my friends, and not just a shari lewis song, or lambchop, even)…

who you are

i want to know who you are
why you live
why you breath
how you sleep
how you feel
what you do
what you want
when you shine
when you know
who you are

i want to know where you go
when you dream
when you love
how you live
how you breath
while you sleep
while you shine
what you are
what you share
why you love
why you go
where you go

i want to know everything
about you

do you want to be loved
unconditionally
do you want to be adored
beyond eternity
do you want to be cherished
infinitely
do you want to be trusted
completely
totally
honestly

without reservations
unconditionally

i want to know what you feel
how you think
how you are
when you soar
when you fold
where you dance
where you fly
why you live
why you lie
who you trust
who you love
what you love
how you love
why you love

i want to know everything
about you

some things that are wrong

judging bugs me, but in some way, we all must judge for ourselves what is right and what is wrong... it is a frame of reference for all of our choices in this world... so i ponder some of the things i feel are most wrong in this world and most of them start with humans...

not making up your own mind... most humans pretend to be independent and claim to want freedom and pretend, arrogantly at times, to know what they believe, but observing objectively, most humans just follow the leader and believe in and do the same things, right or wrong, that the vast majority of humans have been doing for most of recorded history and probably well before... the blind leading the blind is wrong...

glorifying war... i have yet to believe one justification, one reason for the cheering and celebration of any group of people actively building and using weapons to, with calculating precision, deliberately kill other humans... if cannibalism is wrong, then why not genocide?... and to glorify those who successfully kill?... so often in the name of a leader who wrote a book based on fundamental laws that include thou shalt not kill just makes the whole concept and action a mockery of the leader, the book, and the hypocrisy behind it all... war is hell, remember?... and hell is wrong...

the military industrial complex... people killing people is big business and glorifying war is one of the primary missions of the business... just what would all the factories and people working to build weapons do if the human race suddenly chose peace and love and understanding instead of conflict and hate and war?... unemployment is the great fear the military business plays on as they hide behind the flag that they will burn as quickly as they wave it just to make a profit...

the drug industry... most people are addicted to drugs, from caffeine to cocaine, from chocolate to valium, from aspirin to prozac, from laxatives to anti-biotics, the drug industry pushes their product on us harder and better than any street corner drug pusher ever could and we buy into the quick fixes and legal highs and modern medical experimentation as fast as any addict or guinea pig ever did... people are just rats in the maze...

the alcohol and firearms industry... is it ironic that the government combines these two into one department, or is it just poignant... just like the drug pushers, the alcohol makers provide the legal poison that european white men gave to native north americans in order to repress and destroy them... most humans rely on fire water to cope with stress... mosdt humans are afraid to socialize without alcohol... and guns, the every day local military mindset is fed by the gun industry... the macho men and the criminals carry and use guns take, to steal, and to bolster their fragile egos... humans addictions do not stop at war and drugs and alcohol, for most people are just as addicted to violence as anything else...

the news... perhaps the single most depressing, destructive, and time-wasting activity i see people do is watching the news... not only do the newscasters pander to the lowest weaknesses and most base fears, but they exploit stupid and gullible people with ridiculously obvious repetivive dramatics, cliches, and rabble-rousing over the petty and pitiful foibles and tragedies that respect would leave private... but when it comes to the news media there is no respect for human decency or ethics or that supposed leader who wrote that supposedly holy book with those supposedly fundamental laws... there is the pretense of concern, but obviously no real concern for people as people are to be exploited in the news stories and by the advertisers alike... and that's the way it is...

tabloid tv and print media... almost as bad as the news because it does the same thing and even worse invasions of privacy and telling lies, at times, but at least the yellow rag media does not take itself as seriously as what is pretentiously called the fourth estate or the legitimate media... from the light hearted celebrity exploiting gossip shows to the hard core and potentially dangerous paparazzi to the ridiculous my mother was a space alien stories that call out from check out lines in supermarkets, it is representative of the superficiality and disrespectful approach to life and to each other most humans choose these days... and this makes me sad...

tv... while i love audio and visual stimuli and i love reading and watching fiction, the majority of commercial television is the commercials, the news, tabloid crap, and talk talk talk just to sell more crap... most of the fiction suffers from a pitiful lack of creativity and shows a complete absence of originality...

and this is where i shall pause... there are other things about life on thise planet that i feel are wrong, like pollution, abuse, poor parenting, arrogance, and the processed and fast food industries, the religion business, but i'll leave those and more for other times when i have more time... this is some of what you need to know if you want to know me, share with me, and be with me... and if you really want to be with me, you can create your own commercial now...