time passages

so i missed the day... actually, missed a lot of days, but this day i reference, the first of may, is especially missed... as is the music, which is so much a part of the first of may... the music is so far away sometimes from the daily life and the people in it... the memories way much farther away (don't be sad, cuz two out of three ain't bad, ya know?)... many years since anything deeply (as in truly madly and beyond) meaningful has been shared or created, alas... so i mourn a bit and at least stop by a couple of hours after the fact to acknowledge when i was small... and how we used to laugh while others used to play... because even if you never really knew that experience or knew me well enough to understand how much that concept and experience meant to me (from the library corner through the leap off the precipice and the beginning of the end marked by tape 62 and the selected rest {72, 85, 95, and so on through 305, 351, 365-9 [or was that 165-9, alas, memories fade], and more, 387, 390, 391... sigh} that followed)... oh (as in oh wow) the music was so much of me outside of this blogging life...

wow, that was an unexpected aside...

miss me?

i do...

heck if i know

the joke on me is i often don't remember who i am (at least not on the surface) because in this world, so few people are who they are in daily life and i've learned to fit in, but i subliminally unconditionally trust myself to record who i am in words from time to time so i can remember who i am in case someone really wants to know me and (yeah, you guess it) be with me...

if course that does not guarantee i will be able to actualize me even if i am reminded who i am (the conundrum of human frailty, no doubt... fools we are who give into the delusion for we lose touch with the truth that we are masters of our own illusion)...

there's always hope (i hope) :)

and music :)

sudden introduction

the one aspect of the plentyoffish profile that is in error, at least in large part, is the aspect of self-control assessed by the website which their test rates as low and further compounding that error, they associate low self-control with poor attention to detail... those who work with me would laugh as their biggest complaint is my almost anal attention to detail, but then, that is an essential aspect of investigative work and data analysis, both part of what i do for money in this world... but that aside, the amusement (or irony?) may be that i do impulsively visit the plentyoffish site every few weeks (usually when i see my roommate visiting her profile and that reminds me that i have one) and a couple of times i actually attempted to reach out to someone (she's a kindergarten teacher who closed her profile with New beginnings are wonderful. Hello Wonderful :) inspiring my smile) and this sudden introduction is what emerged tonight (any wonder why I remain alone? lol lam lal :)

I love your profile, but then, I am a kindergartener at heart (that is to say, in a completely serious and sometimes silly way, the child inside is alive and well in me)... It's not just the kid in me who loves what you wrote though, the whole person I am is applauding your words as you've expressed what a relationship is in my mind and also how to continue after a relationship ends... and I love the word wonderful – and I love the way you used it :)

I am not sure why I joined plenty of fish. I have not actively looked for a relationship in more than a few years. I want to unconditionally trust a best friend who wants to be my best friend (to know and trust everything about each other). That cannot be done online nor merely in words (though I love the written word in so many ways).

Years pass so quickly when life is busy when one loves job that can take as much time as one wants to give it and has lots of friends around to play with when one want to play. That is the live I experience today. All work and play might not make for a dull boy, but all work and play without intimacy and romance makes for... ambivalence?... laughter (at self), at least. Often I am told that I am too honest for my own good, probably because I trust myself, intend no harm, and do not live my life based on what others think of me. Most fear, or at least are not comfortable with, a completely honest open person.

My last romantic relationship was in the 90's. It was the third time I fell in love, the first time since high school. I licked wounds, healed as much as one can heal without another intimate test of how healed that is (can we truly know without trusting enough to expose our "ugliest" scars and the worst experiences we've known and still actually trying again?). I am not sure I want to try again. That is likely because I have not met the person who inspires me to try again. I do not think my baggage is in my way. I do think that anyone who does not have some baggage has not truly experienced love or loss. I believe that our experiences are part of our identity if we do not live in denial.

The next relationship I enter will be with someone who understands this because she will be my best friend first (at least that's the plan and that has me laughing at myself once again because I do not plan much, but when I commit I commit for life - the few I have given my all to will always be with me in some way because I know that true love never ends, even when the trust burns and turns to dust - but does the ability to love and trust unconditionally rust?... I hope not :)

I write a lot. For those who do not love words, I write too much. If you want to know the way into my heart, love words, love rhymes, love music, love caring and sharing and learning and giving and helping. Love life and experiencing every moment as much as possible in every way. Dare to actualize unconditional love and trust. I do. Just ask my roommate or test me yourself as you wish. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else can and yet, there's always hope (an incorrigibly hopelessly hopeful romantic optimist, that child inside is :)

As I see an ideal (hey, we can dream, right?) relationship is when two people share everything because they love everything about each other and everything that each other loves and where the activity is not mutually shared, the one not participating becomes a fan of the other (or something like that). I'd like to know what you think, who you are, what you want, where you've been, and if we inspire each other's smile, the deepest depths and the superficial distractions that make you who you are.

I live near UCF. For money, I am with Quality and Risk Management at a children’s hospital. For fun, I write, sing, run/exercise, cook/eat, and enjoy audio/video at home or at shows, concerts, movies, and anywhere creativity might be found. For fun with friends, I share those activities and also play table-top games with friends. I enjoy other activities, but there’s a start at favorites. I will be in Altamonte playing cards at a friend's late tomorrow night. Also on the 29th at a friend's clubhouse with about 60 people, some friends and some strangers, who love to play board games, word games, cards, and other games. A great way to meet people if you enjoy playing table games. You are very welcome to come and meet in a group atmosphere. They get together through meetup.com, the Orlando Game Night Meetup. Or you could write back, call, or communicate in some other way. I hope you do.

Honesty, that is all I ask for now. Too much? (there's always hope :)

Ric
http://candoor.net
http://facebook.com/bwebbot (I am there more than here as friends use facebook to make plans)
407-325-1482

part of me

(not just a kim carnes song, or cover, for that matter), but the facts of life as i know them is that there are threads (and not just a carole king song, or tapestry, for that matter) weaving through life connecting moments and people and memories and promises and magic and poems and more (and prayers for some, or alliteration, even) and everything old is new again or something like that, but ever so seriously (like a brick to the forehead), i sensed she (a singer known as dia frampton) would touch the roots (the deepest threads of me, that is, and she did at first eye contact… but she was a child standing in the rain and i was an aging rocker even wetter staring at her smile in the midst of the warped tour a few years back) and her words (and music) and several times she blew through my mind (even more than stevi nicks once did, but there are not dozens of letters written to the fantasy of knowing her today cuz I’m older and wiser and more mature and realistic and stupid, or something like that) and finally, she did (you can also listen below, with one less thread) and maybe it means something to you too, but to truly know me (which is a prerequisite to being with me), you must understand this thread and to stay, you must accept it (the feeling, the promise, the dream, the magic, the one, the love, it stays with you if you let it) will always be a part of me for the threads of love never end (they just go on and on my friends, and not just a shari lewis song, or lambchop, even)…

distractions and deeper desires

I’ve got to get a handle on my impulses today
I’m letting imbalanced lusts get carried away
and I have not been writing to myself enough lately
letting distractions dilute deeper desires in me

looking for connections
comments messages and tweets
looking for attention
looking for someone who wants to meet
internet diversions
wanting to believe I’m finding friends
just wishing and hoping
the long term loneliness ends

but I keep so busy that I don’t
remember to keep in touch with myself
I wonder if you understand
I don’t let myself feel as lonely as I am

I’ve got to get back to taking care of myself
not just the momentary impulses
but the dreams long stashed up on a shelf

I’ve got to get back to the depths deep inside
not just the simple happy daily smiles
but the passions that have been so long denied

looking for connections
but too busy to see
looking for attention
but not giving enough attention to me
internet diversions
watching tv and playing games
just wishing and hoping
somebody will share more than names

but I keep so busy that I don’t
remember to keep in touch with myself
I wonder if you understand
I don’t let myself feel as lonely as I am

I don’t want to feel the desperation
I don’t want to settle for one night stands
I don’t want to choose someone just to quell the loneliness
I wonder if anyone understands

I’ve got to get a handle on my business today
I’m letting work and light play get carried away
and I have not been writing to myself enough lately
letting distractions dilute deeper desires in me
I must return to the deeper desires in me

here is the one

where is the one who finds passion in words
who finds sleep pushed aside every night
where is the one who sings sweeter than birds
who does not have an off switch on their inner light
where is the one who will stay awake with me
who gets too excited to sleep over creativity
where is the one who lives to feel the energy
of emotion, who can stand this much intensity
this much sensitivity
this much simply being free

I know you are out there somewhere
I can feel your energy reaching out
and if you have not found someone like you
who understands what life is really all about
then I hope you will find these words in this song
and I hope you will pick up the phone
there’s a part for you to sing along
right here next to me, you’ve always known
even though we are always alone
that together we’re never alone

we can share the bump and grind
we can share the cuddle and purr
we can share the wild eyed passion
we can share the winter’s brrrr
we can share the seasons changing
we can share the magic touch
we can share the believe in love
and the feeling of wanting too much
and we can share everything
so it’s never ever too much

here is the one who finds passion in words
who finds sleep pushed aside every night
here is the one who sings sweeter than birds
who does not have an off switch on their inner light
here is the one who will stay awake with you
who gets too excited to sleep over creativity
here is the one who lives for everything you do
with devotion, who can stand this much intensity
this much sensitivity
this much simply being free

you know I’ve been here looking for you
as you’ve been looking for me

to love someone

are you sitting by yourself
are you hanging out with friends
are you starting new beginnings
are you contemplating ends
are you listening to me
are you hearing me right now
are you feeling anything
are you wondering how

to love someone
to love someone
to love someone
right now

are you putting on a smile
are you feeling lonely too
are you wishing on a star
for someone to come to you
are you within the sound of my voice
and will you turn on your light
do you understand that love's a choice
and you can make it tonight

do you want to love someone
do you want to love someone
do you want to love someone
alright

here i am in front of you
holding out my hand
hoping for your heart
do you understand
will you dare to trust
and give love a chance
to blossom into pleasure
and grow into romance

do you want to love someone
do you want to love someone
do you want to love someone
tonight

are you suddenly alert
are you thinking about this
remembering how it felt
to touch, to feel, to kiss
are you letting yourself dream
will you dare to wake up now
see me holding out my hand
will you let me show you how

(will you try to understand)
(will you remember how)

to love someone
to love someone
to love someone
right now

I am putting on a smile
I am feeling lonely too
I am wishing on a star
for someone just like you
I am within the sound of your voice
I am turning on my light
and I understand that love's a choice
I am making it tonight

I want to love someone
I want to love someone
I want to love someone
tonight

unconditional (partial)

what would you do if i could not walk?
would you still want to be with me?
what would you do if i could not talk?
would you still be able to hear me?
what would you do if i could not see?
would you still want me to feel you?
what would you do if i grew old and frail?
would you still want to be by my side?

look into my eyes, what do you see?
what really attracted you to me?
what would you do if it was all gone?
would there be any love to carry on?

where is the unconditional love
is it only in dreams?
is it just me or have you found
love is seldom as it seems
where is the unconditional trust?
is it just fantasy?
is it just me or have you found
trust is an impossibility...

for rarely is it tested
often it's a mistake
it lives so well in dreams
but dies when we're awake
so rarely is it lasting
unless it is faked
have you ever met a promise
that did not break?

look into my eyes, what do you see?
what really attracted you to me?
what would you do if it was all gone?
would there be any love to carry on?

where is the unconditional?...



almost listening Alice Peacock's I'll Start With Me

lover

looking for a lover
a lover of words
a lover of childhood
innocence and birds
a lover of playfulness
a lover of songs
a lover of feelings
the weaks and the strongs

i’m looking for a lover
a lover of smiles
a lover of journeys
the learning and miles
a lover of peacefulness
a lover of love
a lover of senses
life and all those we dream of

love to share the word play
the language of emotions
the sharing of each other
betrayals and devotions
love to share the passion
of seeking truth or bust
love to share the dream
of unconditional trust

i wish you every night
i wish you every day
i wish you were here with me
in every single way
a lover of romance
a lover of the tears
a lover of intensity
overcoming fears
a lover of laughter
a lover of love
a lover of wonders
life and all those we dream of

i am looking for a lover
a heart that is true
i am looking for a lover
could it be you?

someone like you

is there anybody out there?
anybody alone?
anybody want a partner?
still secure on your own?
it’s not because you are needy
it’s not because you are weak
but because you love sharing
and it’s love that you seek

is there anybody out there?
anybody free?
not looking for a replacement
you know you are complete
it’s not because you are frightened
it’s not because you are empty
but because you love caring
and you’re looking for me

you don’t understand the human crutches
you don’t share the typical human needs
you don’t need to be told what is holy
you don’t need to be told what to believe
you don’t need to fit in with the masses
you don’t care about popularity
you don’t need to follow the ways of the crowd
and you don’t need to follow me

but you want someone just as independent
just as strong and secure as you are
you want to share everything completely
that is what you wish on a star
unconditional love unconditional trust
you want to believe true love can be
something we create and can make real
sharing fantasy in reality

is there anybody out there?
you know you’re different
you don’t fit in
and that’s alright
you’re true to yourself
enjoy your reason
and still you dream
and not just at night

what some call enlightened
you just call your way
you enjoy your life
you fulfill your day
you want to share your nights
with someone who’s true
someone who’s different
someone like you

i’m waiting out here
waiting for you

rhymes

some times, i find the words to speak my heart
some times the words will fall into a metered rhyme
then some times, the structure seems to fall apart
cuz i don’t think in structured thoughts or metered time

but i think in rhymes
and i feel in melodies
and i wish for time
to share in harmonies
i feel it is a crime
to live a life unshared
i feel it is a crime
to find that no one cared
cuz nobody knew you
beyond your face and name
nobody understood
your joy or your shame
i feel the saddest thing
this life can be
is a life lived completely
without harmony

what about you?
how do you
set yourself free?

some times i find the words to say what is on my mind
some times the words will tell me what i need to do
then some times, clarity is so hard to find
i wonder if this ever happens to you

is this just the way
a writer goes through life
expressing everything
from peak pleasure to strife
in words that flow
without a conscious plan
or is this just the way
of this one honest man
is this just my way
to try to understand
what is going on
and what might be planned

I want to know
what do you
understand?

i think in rhymes
and i feel in melodies
and i wish for time
to share in harmonies
i feel it is a crime
to live a life unshared
i feel it is a crime
to find that no one cared
cuz nobody knew you
beyond your face and name
nobody understood
your joy or your shame
i feel the saddest thing
this life can be
is a life lived completely
without harmony

what about you?
how do you
set yourself free?

is this just the way
a writer tries to share
expressing everything
hoping someone will care
in words that flow (like this)
without a conscious plan
or is this just the way
of this one honest man
is this just my way
of reaching out my hand
is this just my way
to find my own band

what about you?
what about me?
what about us?

is this just my way
to reach for wonderland?
i don’t want to be
a one man band

i think in rhymes
and i feel in melodies
and i wish for time
to share in harmonies
i feel it is a crime
to live a life unshared
i feel it is a crime
to find that no one cared
cuz nobody knew you
beyond your face and name
nobody understood
your passion or your pain
i feel the saddest thing
this life can be
is a life lived lonely
without harmony

i think in rhymes
and i feel in melodies
and i hope to find
someone to share with me
a whole life time
living in harmonies
in heart and mind
in complete honesty
this is why i am here
to find a way to share
this is why i am here
to show i care
this is one way i try
to hope true love finds me
to share the highest high
to set myself free

what about you?
how do you
set yourself free?

how do you share yourself?
how do you find your honesty?

what about you?
how do you
set yourself free?

discomfort

there is massive (pun intended) discomfort in the body these days and that brings me to wonder why i am even socializing if i am in no mood to share the body (cuz it’s not all about the sex?... or even the physical comfort?... so why are we alive then?... well, hopefully cuz we want to be and we want to enjoy the experience of being here… and the sex, nothing wrong with sex, as long as it’s mutually comfortable… ah, long live the sense of humor cuz it’s something the only sense i’ve got left)… another step closer, perhaps...

so if you want to be with me, you’ll need patience, a whole lot of patience… and the time to sit and watch, to sit and talk, to sit and listen, to sit and be… and walk and lay and run and float and hug for a long long time… for i seek gentleness and innocence and almost most of all, patience and understanding… if you want to be with me, you’ll need to sleep with me first and i mean sleep… for i seek someone who fits in the pauses, the time outs, the silences, the depths where the secret dreams live… for i seek most of all, the stillness in moments between the heartbeats, were we share uninhibited unconditional love and trust…

these are the days of my self-imposed discomfort and it is a test… a test of will, a test of strength, and test of belief… for in you want to be with me you’ll have faith in me, believe in me, and see beyond the fool pushing the limits of life itself in this body and past the aging uncomfortable physical shell into the me living inside… find comfort in this, even amidst discomfort, that will inspire me to bring the great experiment of overindulgence and typical human frailty to an end and slowly one morning we will wake up to find the comfort once again… and then, if passion comes, we will roll with the flow...

still want to be with me?

from a love

we come from a different time
when love was as simple as sleeping together
body contact with an innocent touch
and if it felt good even better

we come from a different place
where love is as honest as holding each other
feel our heartbeats and breathing as one
being with trust in each other

all the rules and judgments
humans seem to need
all the fear and labels
that make people bleed
all the divisions that
keep people apart
all the confusion that leave
people broken hearted
we started sharing love
before all that started

we come from a different mind
where love does not need to be figured out
or explained or justified
just shared without fear or doubt

we come from a different heart
where love does not need public approval
where love does not need to be defended
where love does not need to be pretended

where love does not need validation
where love does not mean separation
where love does not mean putting others down
where love does not mean dividing a town

where love does not mean condemning anyone
where love does not come at the point of a gun
where love does not wait for after we die
where love does not teach us how to lie

where love does not wait for a certain age
where love does not bleed on history's page
where love does not demand conformity
where love is alive and real and free

we come from a love that some people pray for
we come from a love with no wall or door
we come from a love people say they want to find
a love they once knew but all left behind

all the rules and judgments
humans seem to need
all the fear and labels
that make people bleed
all the divisions that
keep people apart
all the confusion that leave
people broken hearted
we started sharing love
before all that started

mutual fantasy

play with me, little girl
i won't touch you if you don't want me to
just play with me, little girl
i just want to have fun, don't you?

let the walls come tumbling down
and laugh at fear cuz there's not harm in me
play with me, little girl
let's find a mutual fantasy

inside of me is a child of four
and an infant wanting only to be held
most of me is ready to have fun
deep in my heart i want to start a meld

sharing everything the way only is done
in infancy and with the one the one
the one who understands and shares it all
because we mean no harm and hear the call

of the child inside
when someone really cared
wow, wouldn't that be sweet
if someone really cared

sitting here alone
dreaming of sharing
sitting here with me
dreaming of carinf

what if i cared about you
what if you cared about me
what if we made it real
physically
sensually
playfully

play with me, little girl
i won't do anything you say no to
just play with me, little girl
i just want to have fun, don't you?

yes little girl
strange as it seems
i have the control
to help make your dreams
come true
for you
and if you see
that is the dream in me
to share the dream in you
cuz that is what i dream about too

in the child inside
when somebody really cared
wow, wouldn't that be wild
if somebody really cared

all the lonely people
who puts them to bed?
all the sleeping dreams
in each and every head
who really cares about them
who really shares?
did you ever feel it
when somebody cares?

let the walls come tumbling down
and laugh at fear cuz there's not harm in me
play with me, little girl
let's find a mutual fantasy

play with me, little girl
i won't do anything you say no to
just play with me, little girl
i just want to have fun, don't you?

with the child inside
be the child inside
cuz the child inside
knows when somebody really cares
and wouldn't that be a dream
somebody really cares

little boys want to have fun too

creative loneliness

every now and then there is a loneliness
and it gets so intense
deeper than i can explain

it comes from somewhere inside the core of me
and it's an agony
that wants to shut down my brain

it comes when creativity
wants to share
but only finds a void
beyond the smiling faces
annoyed
i cry out silently
who will care?

but if anyone hears
no one responds
i mean, what can you say when you see
when all hope is gone

and the creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to care
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to share...

a numbness falls upon the arms and legs
with such gravity
the hands cannot turn the page

a fatigue swallows all the energy
all movement suspends
is this just what comes with age

it comes when creativity
wants to share
but only finds a vacuum
and the body needs air
so sad
i cry inside of me
who will care?

but if anyone hears
no one responds
i mean, what can you say when you ...
just carry on

and the creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to share...

but if anyone hears
no one responds
i mean, what can you say when you see
. . .

and what do you see
when you look at me
from so far away
as you do today
from out in the crowd
you just see a cloud
there's just fantasy
without intimacy

you can enjoy the song
but you can't see
the depths beneath
the creativity

you can enjoy the show
but you can not be
a real part of
the creativity

and the creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to share...

still a muse from far away
is better than no muse today
so i thank you for your cheers
your laughter and your tears
the loyalty, the years

even if they are all in my mind
the memory
the fantasy
makes creativity
deaf dumb and blind

and somehow . . .

more kind

and somehow . . .

that is kind

what was left behind...

the creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to care
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

creativity
wants to share...

creativity
wants to share...

creativity
wants to care...

creativity
wants to share...

creativity
wants to share...