time passages

so i missed the day... actually, missed a lot of days, but this day i reference, the first of may, is especially missed... as is the music, which is so much a part of the first of may... the music is so far away sometimes from the daily life and the people in it... the memories way much farther away (don't be sad, cuz two out of three ain't bad, ya know?)... many years since anything deeply (as in truly madly and beyond) meaningful has been shared or created, alas... so i mourn a bit and at least stop by a couple of hours after the fact to acknowledge when i was small... and how we used to laugh while others used to play... because even if you never really knew that experience or knew me well enough to understand how much that concept and experience meant to me (from the library corner through the leap off the precipice and the beginning of the end marked by tape 62 and the selected rest {72, 85, 95, and so on through 305, 351, 365-9 [or was that 165-9, alas, memories fade], and more, 387, 390, 391... sigh} that followed)... oh (as in oh wow) the music was so much of me outside of this blogging life...

wow, that was an unexpected aside...

miss me?

i do...

besides the music

like the latest or the oldest or those in between, musical journeys (and videos too) have always been a heavy influence on life as i know it... but besides the music, there are a lot of things you would want to know me before you decide whether to really want to know me (and i don't necessarily mean in the biblical sense, as in sex {and they say the bible is not porn, but where is is knowing given a sexual connotation, aye?}, but rather in any sense deeper than hello how are your what's new and so on)... you still here? :)

one thing you should know is that i have imaginary best friends and also celebrity best friends, some i've actually met and they will remain nameless due to respect for privacy and some i only know from reading/listening to almost every word they've said or sung or written and they speak from my mind so often that their writings and ramblings (statements, opinions, beliefs, and so on) are close enough to mine (high probability) so you can use them as a barometer to gauge whether we might be compatible beyond the superficial politeness of acquaintances and casual friends...

harry chapin would top the list... george carlin would probably be a solid second with john lennon a close third... they could easily be my representatives, if you follow the reasoning... there's a start for your reading list (head start, no doubt), i mean, if you really want to start to have some sort of conversation starter to actually (really) get to know me beyond the...

repetition :)

all or nothing

for me it’s all or nothing
and no one gives it all
oh there are those who say they do
but even they’re afraid to fall

for me it’s all or nothing
there is no compromise
and i’ve yet to meet anyone
who does not depend on lies

how many times
can we re-write history
or just forget it
does that really set us free?

how many ways
can we redirect our love
into fear, into hate
or into a god above

do you ever wonder why there’s war
or what we are really here for
or why so many true loves end
or if you really have a friend
can you truly open your mind
to even more than we can find
dare you embrace the reality
of infinity possibility
and unconditional love and trust and honesty
completely open love and trust and honesty

for me it’s all or nothing
any less is disgusting
do you put limits on your love
and how much are you trusting?

for me it’s all or nothing
there is no right other way
and i’d rather be alone than wrong
so now what do you have to say

.

.

.


silence is an answer too

and nothing new

.

.

how many times
can we re-write history
or just forget it
does that really set us free?

how many ways
can we redirect our love
into fear, into hate
or into a god above

do you ever wonder why there’s war
or what we are really here for
or why so many true loves end
or if you really have a friend
can you truly open your mind
to even more than we can find
dare you embrace the reality
of infinity possibility
and unconditional love and trust and honesty
completely open love and trust and honesty

this song does not have an end
there are no neatly tied up conclusions
it is the truth’s intrusion
or maybe just my illusion

this song may not have a friend
there is more or less a hope and a prayer
that someone might hear
and someone is there
are you there
are you here
do you care?

.

.

.

lonely but (to be with me)

yes i am lonely but
i don't want to compromise
yes i am lonely but
i will not settle for lies
yes i am lonely but
i don't want loneliness
to be a substitute
for happiness

yes i am lonely but
that is not where love comes from
yes i am lonely but
loneliness can leave me numb
so how are we to tell
if what we feel is real
when if could be loneliness
is distorting what we feel

just because you don't want to be lonely
does not mean you really want me
i could be just a convenience
someone to keep you company
for loneliness is a powerful drug
and drugs can leave us undone
so just because i am desperate for a hug
does not make you the right one

so if you can understand
then before you hold my hand
take the time to talk about
the things we can't live without
and if you can comprehend
what it means to be a friend
then we can help each other out
to get to where there is no doubt

whether it's loneliness or desire
honesty will take even higher
for together we don't have to be lonely
so we can be to open to what we really want
that is what friends do for each other
and if we find love in each other
or if we find love in another
either way we help each other discover
it's not loneliness that takes us higher
it is being honest with desire

so yes i am lonely but
i don't want to compromise
yes i am lonely but
i will not settle for lies
yes i am lonely but
i don't want loneliness
to be a substitute
for happiness

so yes i am lonely but
the cure for that is a friend
so can you be my friend
you see to be with me
you first must be my friend
to be with me
you first must be my friend

tears

i cry all the time somewhere inside
feeling every child who has ever died
feeling the insensitivity of pride
and the cruelty of fear and love denied
but i laugh at the futility as much as i cry
for this life is a moment, a blink of an eye
and whatever it means beyond all we can see
all we have is this moment to share, you and me
all we have is this moment to be
the best we can be

it may all be meaningless in the end
there may be nothing more after we die
and life may all be an illusion my friend
just a figment of imagination - not a lie
but a dream we embody in the blink of an eye

so i cry all the time somewhere inside
feeling every child who has ever died
feeling the insensitivity of pride
and the cruelty of fear and love denied
but i laugh at the futility as much as i cry
for this life is a moment, a blink of an eye
and whatever it means beyond all we can see
all we have is this moment to share, you and me
all we have is this moment to be
the best we can be

wide awake at 4am again

how many times will i write the same line
will i use the same rhyme
is it all the same crime

oh how many ways can i sum up the days
will i act the same plays
is it all the same maze

the wind blows no answers tonight
just the same old story board i write
how long since i first put down in pen
and i am wide awake at 4am again

i know i need to be in love
i know i've wasted too much time
i know i ask perfection from a quite imperfect world
and fool enough to think that's what i'll find

how many times will i sing the same song
will i right the same wrong
will i ever belong

how many times will i recall the scene
do you know what i mean
was it all a dream

so long ago

can you imagine what the world would be
like everyone lived honestly
can you imagine how your life would feel
if you let yourself just be real
all the time
all the time

oh my god i can't believe it's happening again


and again...


and again...


tbc...


:)

sudden introduction

the one aspect of the plentyoffish profile that is in error, at least in large part, is the aspect of self-control assessed by the website which their test rates as low and further compounding that error, they associate low self-control with poor attention to detail... those who work with me would laugh as their biggest complaint is my almost anal attention to detail, but then, that is an essential aspect of investigative work and data analysis, both part of what i do for money in this world... but that aside, the amusement (or irony?) may be that i do impulsively visit the plentyoffish site every few weeks (usually when i see my roommate visiting her profile and that reminds me that i have one) and a couple of times i actually attempted to reach out to someone (she's a kindergarten teacher who closed her profile with New beginnings are wonderful. Hello Wonderful :) inspiring my smile) and this sudden introduction is what emerged tonight (any wonder why I remain alone? lol lam lal :)

I love your profile, but then, I am a kindergartener at heart (that is to say, in a completely serious and sometimes silly way, the child inside is alive and well in me)... It's not just the kid in me who loves what you wrote though, the whole person I am is applauding your words as you've expressed what a relationship is in my mind and also how to continue after a relationship ends... and I love the word wonderful – and I love the way you used it :)

I am not sure why I joined plenty of fish. I have not actively looked for a relationship in more than a few years. I want to unconditionally trust a best friend who wants to be my best friend (to know and trust everything about each other). That cannot be done online nor merely in words (though I love the written word in so many ways).

Years pass so quickly when life is busy when one loves job that can take as much time as one wants to give it and has lots of friends around to play with when one want to play. That is the live I experience today. All work and play might not make for a dull boy, but all work and play without intimacy and romance makes for... ambivalence?... laughter (at self), at least. Often I am told that I am too honest for my own good, probably because I trust myself, intend no harm, and do not live my life based on what others think of me. Most fear, or at least are not comfortable with, a completely honest open person.

My last romantic relationship was in the 90's. It was the third time I fell in love, the first time since high school. I licked wounds, healed as much as one can heal without another intimate test of how healed that is (can we truly know without trusting enough to expose our "ugliest" scars and the worst experiences we've known and still actually trying again?). I am not sure I want to try again. That is likely because I have not met the person who inspires me to try again. I do not think my baggage is in my way. I do think that anyone who does not have some baggage has not truly experienced love or loss. I believe that our experiences are part of our identity if we do not live in denial.

The next relationship I enter will be with someone who understands this because she will be my best friend first (at least that's the plan and that has me laughing at myself once again because I do not plan much, but when I commit I commit for life - the few I have given my all to will always be with me in some way because I know that true love never ends, even when the trust burns and turns to dust - but does the ability to love and trust unconditionally rust?... I hope not :)

I write a lot. For those who do not love words, I write too much. If you want to know the way into my heart, love words, love rhymes, love music, love caring and sharing and learning and giving and helping. Love life and experiencing every moment as much as possible in every way. Dare to actualize unconditional love and trust. I do. Just ask my roommate or test me yourself as you wish. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else can and yet, there's always hope (an incorrigibly hopelessly hopeful romantic optimist, that child inside is :)

As I see an ideal (hey, we can dream, right?) relationship is when two people share everything because they love everything about each other and everything that each other loves and where the activity is not mutually shared, the one not participating becomes a fan of the other (or something like that). I'd like to know what you think, who you are, what you want, where you've been, and if we inspire each other's smile, the deepest depths and the superficial distractions that make you who you are.

I live near UCF. For money, I am with Quality and Risk Management at a children’s hospital. For fun, I write, sing, run/exercise, cook/eat, and enjoy audio/video at home or at shows, concerts, movies, and anywhere creativity might be found. For fun with friends, I share those activities and also play table-top games with friends. I enjoy other activities, but there’s a start at favorites. I will be in Altamonte playing cards at a friend's late tomorrow night. Also on the 29th at a friend's clubhouse with about 60 people, some friends and some strangers, who love to play board games, word games, cards, and other games. A great way to meet people if you enjoy playing table games. You are very welcome to come and meet in a group atmosphere. They get together through meetup.com, the Orlando Game Night Meetup. Or you could write back, call, or communicate in some other way. I hope you do.

Honesty, that is all I ask for now. Too much? (there's always hope :)

Ric
http://candoor.net
http://facebook.com/bwebbot (I am there more than here as friends use facebook to make plans)
407-325-1482

part of me

(not just a kim carnes song, or cover, for that matter), but the facts of life as i know them is that there are threads (and not just a carole king song, or tapestry, for that matter) weaving through life connecting moments and people and memories and promises and magic and poems and more (and prayers for some, or alliteration, even) and everything old is new again or something like that, but ever so seriously (like a brick to the forehead), i sensed she (a singer known as dia frampton) would touch the roots (the deepest threads of me, that is, and she did at first eye contact… but she was a child standing in the rain and i was an aging rocker even wetter staring at her smile in the midst of the warped tour a few years back) and her words (and music) and several times she blew through my mind (even more than stevi nicks once did, but there are not dozens of letters written to the fantasy of knowing her today cuz I’m older and wiser and more mature and realistic and stupid, or something like that) and finally, she did (you can also listen below, with one less thread) and maybe it means something to you too, but to truly know me (which is a prerequisite to being with me), you must understand this thread and to stay, you must accept it (the feeling, the promise, the dream, the magic, the one, the love, it stays with you if you let it) will always be a part of me for the threads of love never end (they just go on and on my friends, and not just a shari lewis song, or lambchop, even)…

who you are

i want to know who you are
why you live
why you breath
how you sleep
how you feel
what you do
what you want
when you shine
when you know
who you are

i want to know where you go
when you dream
when you love
how you live
how you breath
while you sleep
while you shine
what you are
what you share
why you love
why you go
where you go

i want to know everything
about you

do you want to be loved
unconditionally
do you want to be adored
beyond eternity
do you want to be cherished
infinitely
do you want to be trusted
completely
totally
honestly

without reservations
unconditionally

i want to know what you feel
how you think
how you are
when you soar
when you fold
where you dance
where you fly
why you live
why you lie
who you trust
who you love
what you love
how you love
why you love

i want to know everything
about you

distractions and deeper desires

I’ve got to get a handle on my impulses today
I’m letting imbalanced lusts get carried away
and I have not been writing to myself enough lately
letting distractions dilute deeper desires in me

looking for connections
comments messages and tweets
looking for attention
looking for someone who wants to meet
internet diversions
wanting to believe I’m finding friends
just wishing and hoping
the long term loneliness ends

but I keep so busy that I don’t
remember to keep in touch with myself
I wonder if you understand
I don’t let myself feel as lonely as I am

I’ve got to get back to taking care of myself
not just the momentary impulses
but the dreams long stashed up on a shelf

I’ve got to get back to the depths deep inside
not just the simple happy daily smiles
but the passions that have been so long denied

looking for connections
but too busy to see
looking for attention
but not giving enough attention to me
internet diversions
watching tv and playing games
just wishing and hoping
somebody will share more than names

but I keep so busy that I don’t
remember to keep in touch with myself
I wonder if you understand
I don’t let myself feel as lonely as I am

I don’t want to feel the desperation
I don’t want to settle for one night stands
I don’t want to choose someone just to quell the loneliness
I wonder if anyone understands

I’ve got to get a handle on my business today
I’m letting work and light play get carried away
and I have not been writing to myself enough lately
letting distractions dilute deeper desires in me
I must return to the deeper desires in me

here is the one

where is the one who finds passion in words
who finds sleep pushed aside every night
where is the one who sings sweeter than birds
who does not have an off switch on their inner light
where is the one who will stay awake with me
who gets too excited to sleep over creativity
where is the one who lives to feel the energy
of emotion, who can stand this much intensity
this much sensitivity
this much simply being free

I know you are out there somewhere
I can feel your energy reaching out
and if you have not found someone like you
who understands what life is really all about
then I hope you will find these words in this song
and I hope you will pick up the phone
there’s a part for you to sing along
right here next to me, you’ve always known
even though we are always alone
that together we’re never alone

we can share the bump and grind
we can share the cuddle and purr
we can share the wild eyed passion
we can share the winter’s brrrr
we can share the seasons changing
we can share the magic touch
we can share the believe in love
and the feeling of wanting too much
and we can share everything
so it’s never ever too much

here is the one who finds passion in words
who finds sleep pushed aside every night
here is the one who sings sweeter than birds
who does not have an off switch on their inner light
here is the one who will stay awake with you
who gets too excited to sleep over creativity
here is the one who lives for everything you do
with devotion, who can stand this much intensity
this much sensitivity
this much simply being free

you know I’ve been here looking for you
as you’ve been looking for me

to love someone

are you sitting by yourself
are you hanging out with friends
are you starting new beginnings
are you contemplating ends
are you listening to me
are you hearing me right now
are you feeling anything
are you wondering how

to love someone
to love someone
to love someone
right now

are you putting on a smile
are you feeling lonely too
are you wishing on a star
for someone to come to you
are you within the sound of my voice
and will you turn on your light
do you understand that love's a choice
and you can make it tonight

do you want to love someone
do you want to love someone
do you want to love someone
alright

here i am in front of you
holding out my hand
hoping for your heart
do you understand
will you dare to trust
and give love a chance
to blossom into pleasure
and grow into romance

do you want to love someone
do you want to love someone
do you want to love someone
tonight

are you suddenly alert
are you thinking about this
remembering how it felt
to touch, to feel, to kiss
are you letting yourself dream
will you dare to wake up now
see me holding out my hand
will you let me show you how

(will you try to understand)
(will you remember how)

to love someone
to love someone
to love someone
right now

I am putting on a smile
I am feeling lonely too
I am wishing on a star
for someone just like you
I am within the sound of your voice
I am turning on my light
and I understand that love's a choice
I am making it tonight

I want to love someone
I want to love someone
I want to love someone
tonight

unconditional (partial)

what would you do if i could not walk?
would you still want to be with me?
what would you do if i could not talk?
would you still be able to hear me?
what would you do if i could not see?
would you still want me to feel you?
what would you do if i grew old and frail?
would you still want to be by my side?

look into my eyes, what do you see?
what really attracted you to me?
what would you do if it was all gone?
would there be any love to carry on?

where is the unconditional love
is it only in dreams?
is it just me or have you found
love is seldom as it seems
where is the unconditional trust?
is it just fantasy?
is it just me or have you found
trust is an impossibility...

for rarely is it tested
often it's a mistake
it lives so well in dreams
but dies when we're awake
so rarely is it lasting
unless it is faked
have you ever met a promise
that did not break?

look into my eyes, what do you see?
what really attracted you to me?
what would you do if it was all gone?
would there be any love to carry on?

where is the unconditional?...



almost listening Alice Peacock's I'll Start With Me

lover

looking for a lover
a lover of words
a lover of childhood
innocence and birds
a lover of playfulness
a lover of songs
a lover of feelings
the weaks and the strongs

i’m looking for a lover
a lover of smiles
a lover of journeys
the learning and miles
a lover of peacefulness
a lover of love
a lover of senses
life and all those we dream of

love to share the word play
the language of emotions
the sharing of each other
betrayals and devotions
love to share the passion
of seeking truth or bust
love to share the dream
of unconditional trust

i wish you every night
i wish you every day
i wish you were here with me
in every single way
a lover of romance
a lover of the tears
a lover of intensity
overcoming fears
a lover of laughter
a lover of love
a lover of wonders
life and all those we dream of

i am looking for a lover
a heart that is true
i am looking for a lover
could it be you?

someone like you

is there anybody out there?
anybody alone?
anybody want a partner?
still secure on your own?
it’s not because you are needy
it’s not because you are weak
but because you love sharing
and it’s love that you seek

is there anybody out there?
anybody free?
not looking for a replacement
you know you are complete
it’s not because you are frightened
it’s not because you are empty
but because you love caring
and you’re looking for me

you don’t understand the human crutches
you don’t share the typical human needs
you don’t need to be told what is holy
you don’t need to be told what to believe
you don’t need to fit in with the masses
you don’t care about popularity
you don’t need to follow the ways of the crowd
and you don’t need to follow me

but you want someone just as independent
just as strong and secure as you are
you want to share everything completely
that is what you wish on a star
unconditional love unconditional trust
you want to believe true love can be
something we create and can make real
sharing fantasy in reality

is there anybody out there?
you know you’re different
you don’t fit in
and that’s alright
you’re true to yourself
enjoy your reason
and still you dream
and not just at night

what some call enlightened
you just call your way
you enjoy your life
you fulfill your day
you want to share your nights
with someone who’s true
someone who’s different
someone like you

i’m waiting out here
waiting for you

rhymes

some times, i find the words to speak my heart
some times the words will fall into a metered rhyme
then some times, the structure seems to fall apart
cuz i don’t think in structured thoughts or metered time

but i think in rhymes
and i feel in melodies
and i wish for time
to share in harmonies
i feel it is a crime
to live a life unshared
i feel it is a crime
to find that no one cared
cuz nobody knew you
beyond your face and name
nobody understood
your joy or your shame
i feel the saddest thing
this life can be
is a life lived completely
without harmony

what about you?
how do you
set yourself free?

some times i find the words to say what is on my mind
some times the words will tell me what i need to do
then some times, clarity is so hard to find
i wonder if this ever happens to you

is this just the way
a writer goes through life
expressing everything
from peak pleasure to strife
in words that flow
without a conscious plan
or is this just the way
of this one honest man
is this just my way
to try to understand
what is going on
and what might be planned

I want to know
what do you
understand?

i think in rhymes
and i feel in melodies
and i wish for time
to share in harmonies
i feel it is a crime
to live a life unshared
i feel it is a crime
to find that no one cared
cuz nobody knew you
beyond your face and name
nobody understood
your joy or your shame
i feel the saddest thing
this life can be
is a life lived completely
without harmony

what about you?
how do you
set yourself free?

is this just the way
a writer tries to share
expressing everything
hoping someone will care
in words that flow (like this)
without a conscious plan
or is this just the way
of this one honest man
is this just my way
of reaching out my hand
is this just my way
to find my own band

what about you?
what about me?
what about us?

is this just my way
to reach for wonderland?
i don’t want to be
a one man band

i think in rhymes
and i feel in melodies
and i wish for time
to share in harmonies
i feel it is a crime
to live a life unshared
i feel it is a crime
to find that no one cared
cuz nobody knew you
beyond your face and name
nobody understood
your passion or your pain
i feel the saddest thing
this life can be
is a life lived lonely
without harmony

i think in rhymes
and i feel in melodies
and i hope to find
someone to share with me
a whole life time
living in harmonies
in heart and mind
in complete honesty
this is why i am here
to find a way to share
this is why i am here
to show i care
this is one way i try
to hope true love finds me
to share the highest high
to set myself free

what about you?
how do you
set yourself free?

how do you share yourself?
how do you find your honesty?

what about you?
how do you
set yourself free?

who is my friend

who’ll care for me
when i lay down
when i am tired
or sick or weak

who’ll carry me
when i lay dying
when i am old
when i can’t speak

who’ll speak for me
when i no longer
have a live voice
when i am gone

who’ll care for me
in the last days
who really stays
to carry on

who’ll dream with me
in the final hours
who’ll be with me
up to the end

who’ll care for me
who is my friend
who’ll care for me
who is my friend

discomfort

there is massive (pun intended) discomfort in the body these days and that brings me to wonder why i am even socializing if i am in no mood to share the body (cuz it’s not all about the sex?... or even the physical comfort?... so why are we alive then?... well, hopefully cuz we want to be and we want to enjoy the experience of being here… and the sex, nothing wrong with sex, as long as it’s mutually comfortable… ah, long live the sense of humor cuz it’s something the only sense i’ve got left)… another step closer, perhaps...

so if you want to be with me, you’ll need patience, a whole lot of patience… and the time to sit and watch, to sit and talk, to sit and listen, to sit and be… and walk and lay and run and float and hug for a long long time… for i seek gentleness and innocence and almost most of all, patience and understanding… if you want to be with me, you’ll need to sleep with me first and i mean sleep… for i seek someone who fits in the pauses, the time outs, the silences, the depths where the secret dreams live… for i seek most of all, the stillness in moments between the heartbeats, were we share uninhibited unconditional love and trust…

these are the days of my self-imposed discomfort and it is a test… a test of will, a test of strength, and test of belief… for in you want to be with me you’ll have faith in me, believe in me, and see beyond the fool pushing the limits of life itself in this body and past the aging uncomfortable physical shell into the me living inside… find comfort in this, even amidst discomfort, that will inspire me to bring the great experiment of overindulgence and typical human frailty to an end and slowly one morning we will wake up to find the comfort once again… and then, if passion comes, we will roll with the flow...

still want to be with me?

song for amy (where nobody else goes)

so tell me about yourself
what makes you who you are
what secrets does your heart whisper
when you wish upon a star?

i want to know the stuff
that everybody knows
but true friends take me to
where nobody else goes

and i sense you could be
important to me
so tell me about yourself
if you feel similarly

and if you just want to be friends who wave
a smiling passing hello
we can enjoy each other’s company
and hug when it’s time to go

i’m not asking for anything
that you don’t want to give
but true friends take me to
where i want to live

sharing caring making love
is what makes me who i am
i live to find my soul mate
i hope you understand

i want to know the things
that everybody knows
but i live to find my
true friend
i wonder if it shows

i live to share the place inside
where nobody else goes

so tell me about yourself
what makes you who you are
what secrets does your heart whisper
when you wish upon a star?

i want to know the stuff
that everybody knows
but true friends take me to
where nobody else goes

these words

this is what i do
when i am alone

i'd rather be sharing
i'd rather be holding someone's hand
i'd rather be kissing
i'd rather be making love

i'd rather be caring for someone
who is caring for me
living in the physical world
being all i can be

and sharing it all
with someone sharing it all
with me

but this is what i do
when i am alone

i dream of sharing in the words i write
i dream of loving all through the night
i dream of caring in the physical world
with someone who's arms would unfurl
and wrap around me, and they would feel
everything in me that is real
and i would feel
another person just as real

but when i am alone
this is what i do
it keeps me from feeling too lonely
or getting too lost in the blues
when i am alone
this is what i do
i dream in these words
i write to you

sleep is for the ones who can
this is what i do
i dream in these words
i write to you