to understand me

you must understand that after a lifetime of trying, sometimes desperately, to help others, to share and care and save and bond and understand and be understood and trust and love, i paused and chose to be alone to rest and re-establish my balance, my peace, and my happiness that is my natural state inside and now almost by default, i choose to be alone most of the time in this latter portion of life because people are just too confused to get close to without getting hit by some part of their irrational fears or other negative energy... it is very sad to be this lonely, but i finally decided it is better than the constant battle to mend others... so simply, i tired of climbing the walls to get into other's madhouses so i decided to stay in my own... at least, this way, i can enjoy my inner glee, my happiness and peace, even if it is all by myself...

but the dream that the one will find me remains...

the waiting time

all the waiting time

sometimes it starts with the title
an idea comes out of the blue
the memories of a dream long gone
suddenly starts coming through

it always starts with a moment
as if we did not have a clue
it hits the mind like a ton of bricks
and now i am thinking of you

the memory can't be avoided
no matter how long it's been
no matter how long forgotten
it's always ready to begin

as if we can live in a moment
that lasts an eternity
that is the power of true love
that's what you gave to me

you gave me the most precious passion
unconditional trust and more
unconditional love actualized
a heart with no wall or door

and ever since you i've been waiting
for someone who can give it all
all the waiting time
writing rhyme after rhyme
wishing somebody would fall
the way you could fall
giving it all

all the waiting time
waiting for someone to fall
the way we fell
giving it all

all the waiting time
waiting and singing this song
waiting for love to feel so right
it can never be wrong

and this song is wandering now
through gardens of memories
melodies change with the seasons
some become fantasies

there have been other lovers
that came right out of the blue
but no one has ever compared
to what i shared with you

and ever since you i've been waiting
for someone who can give it all
all the waiting time
writing rhyme after rhyme
wishing somebody would fall
the way you could fall
giving it all

all the waiting time
waiting and singing this song
waiting for love to feel so right
it can never be wrong

all the waiting time
waiting for someone to fall
all the waiting time
writing rhyme after rhyme
wishing somebody would fall
the way you could fall
giving it all

this song will only end
when i feel it again
if you understand, be a friend
help me sing it again
and again and again

all the waiting time
waiting and singing this song
waiting for love to feel so right
it can never be wrong

all the waiting time
waiting for the final fall
unconditional trust
unconditional love
giving it all

all the waiting time
waiting for the right one
and when the right one arrives
the waiting is done

all the waiting time
waiting and singing this song
waiting for love to feel so right
it can never be wrong

all the waiting time
waiting for the final fall
unconditional trust
unconditional love
giving it all

all the waiting time
waiting for the right one
and when the right one arrives
the waiting is done

please love again (my final rhyme)

when the sunlight fades from my eyes
will I be alone
when the peaceful darkness comes
will I be on my own
I have often wondered and
just as often wondered why
are we so afraid
to share our lives
because we're gonna die
or because we're afraid
we'll be left behind
to say good-bye



don't bury me in sadness when I die
let my death remind you that life is a high
and celebrate the living for me one more time
that is all I ask in my final rhyme

don't cover me with sorrow when I'm gone
let my spirit be joyful, let my love live on
and go on to make all your fondest dreams come true
with my last breath, this is all I ask of you

don't bury me in sadness
don't cover me with sorrow
take a smile away with you
my last one, you can borrow
keep it 'til tomorrow
'til tomorrow...

I've always believed it could be possible
I've always believed it could be beautiful
believe with me now in a peace that can set us free
and believe such a wonder is happening to me...

so don't leave me with painful tears in your eyes
let our souls kiss one more time so mine can rise
and move ahead in your life now for me and for you
with these last lines I ask you to believe this song is true

no matter where you go I will love you
no matter what you do I will love you
if you love me, then for me, this is what you can do
please love again, for my love lives in you
please love again, for my love lives... in you

so don't bury me in sadness when I die
let my death remind you that life is a high
and celebrate the living for me at least one more time
that is all I ask in my final rhyme

don't cover me with sorrow when I'm gone
let my spirit be joyful, let my love live on
and go on to make all your fondest dreams come true
with my last breath, this is all I ask of you

don't bury me in sadness
don't cover me with sorrow
take a smile away with you
my last one, you can borrow
and keep it 'til tomorrow
'til tomorrow...
'til tomorrow...


if you love me, then for me, this is what you can do
please love again, for my love lives in you
please love again, for my love lives... in you

understanding life

I am independent and alone in this life in part because the illusion of caring that passes for caring among humans, especially in schools, parties, politics, religion, and other human attempts at social interactions, is more about control than caring and that has always rubbed my instincts the wrong way. Loneliness or a desire to belong never could overcome the aversion to pretense and at the heart of that illusion.

The illusion becomes a crutch made invisible to most by denial.

To be with me you not only must understand this, but be without the illusion.

no secrets

throughout my writings, babblings, even rhymes, when i am feeling most deep, perhaps even profound, there are so many references to lost mix tapes, words and music, that recorded who i was and am (the numbers are music) and secrets in the writings... yes, lost... the map to my core, to the buried treasure that was me, the path to who i am was lost... and the playful challenge for you becomes a real challenge for me and you... so sad, yet, reality is what it is and i deal with it, looking for someone else who will too... maybe i won't compromise anymore... i am alone because nobody will... will you?...

why i am alone

and i detest the fear most people empower within themselves... the fear of differences, fear of what they do not understand, fear of what they can not control... typical human fears... these fears repulse me so much, i remain alone...

to be with me, you must understand this... especially if you have these fears...

the challenge

is to your intelligence, your awareness, your conscious clarity, your ability to understand, your willingness to access, your passion to learn and explore... do you feed your ego so it is healthy and strong without taking from or control others?... do you find your limits are challenging to find and always strive to reach beyond them when you do find them?... does your energy level rise above all around you?... can you go days without sleep and still find clarity, creativity, and energy bubbling through your mind?... do you choose logic and reason over blind faith in all things and yet, eagerly open your mind to the unknown and that which is beyond your current knowledge and understanding?... do you always challenge your beliefs?... are you unafraid of knowing and sharing your body?... are you insatiably curious, passionate, and creative?... can you do as you please no matter what others say or might say?... are you always aware of yourself?... do you love to play with words?... do you feel an imperative to share yourself in written words?... is reading truly fundamental to your experience in this life?... do you always overcome your fear?... are you comfortable balancing the extremes of intensity and relaxation on all levels?... do you understand the relativity of everything?... do you actualize it in all you do?... do you love unconditionally?... do you trust unconditionally?... do you, above all else, place being honest and harmless as the top priority at all times?...

time passages

so i missed the day... actually, missed a lot of days, but this day i reference, the first of may, is especially missed... as is the music, which is so much a part of the first of may... the music is so far away sometimes from the daily life and the people in it... the memories way much farther away (don't be sad, cuz two out of three ain't bad, ya know?)... many years since anything deeply (as in truly madly and beyond) meaningful has been shared or created, alas... so i mourn a bit and at least stop by a couple of hours after the fact to acknowledge when i was small... and how we used to laugh while others used to play... because even if you never really knew that experience or knew me well enough to understand how much that concept and experience meant to me (from the library corner through the leap off the precipice and the beginning of the end marked by tape 62 and the selected rest {72, 85, 95, and so on through 305, 351, 365-9 [or was that 165-9, alas, memories fade], and more, 387, 390, 391... sigh} that followed)... oh (as in oh wow) the music was so much of me outside of this blogging life...

wow, that was an unexpected aside...

miss me?

i do...

besides the music

like the latest or the oldest or those in between, musical journeys (and videos too) have always been a heavy influence on life as i know it... but besides the music, there are a lot of things you would want to know me before you decide whether to really want to know me (and i don't necessarily mean in the biblical sense, as in sex {and they say the bible is not porn, but where is is knowing given a sexual connotation, aye?}, but rather in any sense deeper than hello how are your what's new and so on)... you still here? :)

one thing you should know is that i have imaginary best friends and also celebrity best friends, some i've actually met and they will remain nameless due to respect for privacy and some i only know from reading/listening to almost every word they've said or sung or written and they speak from my mind so often that their writings and ramblings (statements, opinions, beliefs, and so on) are close enough to mine (high probability) so you can use them as a barometer to gauge whether we might be compatible beyond the superficial politeness of acquaintances and casual friends...

harry chapin would top the list... george carlin would probably be a solid second with john lennon a close third... they could easily be my representatives, if you follow the reasoning... there's a start for your reading list (head start, no doubt), i mean, if you really want to start to have some sort of conversation starter to actually (really) get to know me beyond the...

repetition :)

heck if i know

the joke on me is i often don't remember who i am (at least not on the surface) because in this world, so few people are who they are in daily life and i've learned to fit in, but i subliminally unconditionally trust myself to record who i am in words from time to time so i can remember who i am in case someone really wants to know me and (yeah, you guess it) be with me...

if course that does not guarantee i will be able to actualize me even if i am reminded who i am (the conundrum of human frailty, no doubt... fools we are who give into the delusion for we lose touch with the truth that we are masters of our own illusion)...

there's always hope (i hope) :)

and music :)