understanding life

I am independent and alone in this life in part because the illusion of caring that passes for caring among humans, especially in schools, parties, politics, religion, and other human attempts at social interactions, is more about control than caring and that has always rubbed my instincts the wrong way. Loneliness or a desire to belong never could overcome the aversion to pretense and at the heart of that illusion.

The illusion becomes a crutch made invisible to most by denial.

To be with me you not only must understand this, but be without the illusion.

no secrets

throughout my writings, babblings, even rhymes, when i am feeling most deep, perhaps even profound, there are so many references to lost mix tapes, words and music, that recorded who i was and am (the numbers are music) and secrets in the writings... yes, lost... the map to my core, to the buried treasure that was me, the path to who i am was lost... and the playful challenge for you becomes a real challenge for me and you... so sad, yet, reality is what it is and i deal with it, looking for someone else who will too... maybe i won't compromise anymore... i am alone because nobody will... will you?...

why i am alone

and i detest the fear most people empower within themselves... the fear of differences, fear of what they do not understand, fear of what they can not control... typical human fears... these fears repulse me so much, i remain alone...

to be with me, you must understand this... especially if you have these fears...

the challenge

is to your intelligence, your awareness, your conscious clarity, your ability to understand, your willingness to access, your passion to learn and explore... do you feed your ego so it is healthy and strong without taking from or control others?... do you find your limits are challenging to find and always strive to reach beyond them when you do find them?... does your energy level rise above all around you?... can you go days without sleep and still find clarity, creativity, and energy bubbling through your mind?... do you choose logic and reason over blind faith in all things and yet, eagerly open your mind to the unknown and that which is beyond your current knowledge and understanding?... do you always challenge your beliefs?... are you unafraid of knowing and sharing your body?... are you insatiably curious, passionate, and creative?... can you do as you please no matter what others say or might say?... are you always aware of yourself?... do you love to play with words?... do you feel an imperative to share yourself in written words?... is reading truly fundamental to your experience in this life?... do you always overcome your fear?... are you comfortable balancing the extremes of intensity and relaxation on all levels?... do you understand the relativity of everything?... do you actualize it in all you do?... do you love unconditionally?... do you trust unconditionally?... do you, above all else, place being honest and harmless as the top priority at all times?...

time passages

so i missed the day... actually, missed a lot of days, but this day i reference, the first of may, is especially missed... as is the music, which is so much a part of the first of may... the music is so far away sometimes from the daily life and the people in it... the memories way much farther away (don't be sad, cuz two out of three ain't bad, ya know?)... many years since anything deeply (as in truly madly and beyond) meaningful has been shared or created, alas... so i mourn a bit and at least stop by a couple of hours after the fact to acknowledge when i was small... and how we used to laugh while others used to play... because even if you never really knew that experience or knew me well enough to understand how much that concept and experience meant to me (from the library corner through the leap off the precipice and the beginning of the end marked by tape 62 and the selected rest {72, 85, 95, and so on through 305, 351, 365-9 [or was that 165-9, alas, memories fade], and more, 387, 390, 391... sigh} that followed)... oh (as in oh wow) the music was so much of me outside of this blogging life...

wow, that was an unexpected aside...

miss me?

i do...

besides the music

like the latest or the oldest or those in between, musical journeys (and videos too) have always been a heavy influence on life as i know it... but besides the music, there are a lot of things you would want to know me before you decide whether to really want to know me (and i don't necessarily mean in the biblical sense, as in sex {and they say the bible is not porn, but where is is knowing given a sexual connotation, aye?}, but rather in any sense deeper than hello how are your what's new and so on)... you still here? :)

one thing you should know is that i have imaginary best friends and also celebrity best friends, some i've actually met and they will remain nameless due to respect for privacy and some i only know from reading/listening to almost every word they've said or sung or written and they speak from my mind so often that their writings and ramblings (statements, opinions, beliefs, and so on) are close enough to mine (high probability) so you can use them as a barometer to gauge whether we might be compatible beyond the superficial politeness of acquaintances and casual friends...

harry chapin would top the list... george carlin would probably be a solid second with john lennon a close third... they could easily be my representatives, if you follow the reasoning... there's a start for your reading list (head start, no doubt), i mean, if you really want to start to have some sort of conversation starter to actually (really) get to know me beyond the...

repetition :)

heck if i know

the joke on me is i often don't remember who i am (at least not on the surface) because in this world, so few people are who they are in daily life and i've learned to fit in, but i subliminally unconditionally trust myself to record who i am in words from time to time so i can remember who i am in case someone really wants to know me and (yeah, you guess it) be with me...

if course that does not guarantee i will be able to actualize me even if i am reminded who i am (the conundrum of human frailty, no doubt... fools we are who give into the delusion for we lose touch with the truth that we are masters of our own illusion)...

there's always hope (i hope) :)

and music :)

all or nothing

for me it’s all or nothing
and no one gives it all
oh there are those who say they do
but even they’re afraid to fall

for me it’s all or nothing
there is no compromise
and i’ve yet to meet anyone
who does not depend on lies

how many times
can we re-write history
or just forget it
does that really set us free?

how many ways
can we redirect our love
into fear, into hate
or into a god above

do you ever wonder why there’s war
or what we are really here for
or why so many true loves end
or if you really have a friend
can you truly open your mind
to even more than we can find
dare you embrace the reality
of infinity possibility
and unconditional love and trust and honesty
completely open love and trust and honesty

for me it’s all or nothing
any less is disgusting
do you put limits on your love
and how much are you trusting?

for me it’s all or nothing
there is no right other way
and i’d rather be alone than wrong
so now what do you have to say

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.

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silence is an answer too

and nothing new

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how many times
can we re-write history
or just forget it
does that really set us free?

how many ways
can we redirect our love
into fear, into hate
or into a god above

do you ever wonder why there’s war
or what we are really here for
or why so many true loves end
or if you really have a friend
can you truly open your mind
to even more than we can find
dare you embrace the reality
of infinity possibility
and unconditional love and trust and honesty
completely open love and trust and honesty

this song does not have an end
there are no neatly tied up conclusions
it is the truth’s intrusion
or maybe just my illusion

this song may not have a friend
there is more or less a hope and a prayer
that someone might hear
and someone is there
are you there
are you here
do you care?

.

.

.

lonely but (to be with me)

yes i am lonely but
i don't want to compromise
yes i am lonely but
i will not settle for lies
yes i am lonely but
i don't want loneliness
to be a substitute
for happiness

yes i am lonely but
that is not where love comes from
yes i am lonely but
loneliness can leave me numb
so how are we to tell
if what we feel is real
when if could be loneliness
is distorting what we feel

just because you don't want to be lonely
does not mean you really want me
i could be just a convenience
someone to keep you company
for loneliness is a powerful drug
and drugs can leave us undone
so just because i am desperate for a hug
does not make you the right one

so if you can understand
then before you hold my hand
take the time to talk about
the things we can't live without
and if you can comprehend
what it means to be a friend
then we can help each other out
to get to where there is no doubt

whether it's loneliness or desire
honesty will take even higher
for together we don't have to be lonely
so we can be to open to what we really want
that is what friends do for each other
and if we find love in each other
or if we find love in another
either way we help each other discover
it's not loneliness that takes us higher
it is being honest with desire

so yes i am lonely but
i don't want to compromise
yes i am lonely but
i will not settle for lies
yes i am lonely but
i don't want loneliness
to be a substitute
for happiness

so yes i am lonely but
the cure for that is a friend
so can you be my friend
you see to be with me
you first must be my friend
to be with me
you first must be my friend

tears

i cry all the time somewhere inside
feeling every child who has ever died
feeling the insensitivity of pride
and the cruelty of fear and love denied
but i laugh at the futility as much as i cry
for this life is a moment, a blink of an eye
and whatever it means beyond all we can see
all we have is this moment to share, you and me
all we have is this moment to be
the best we can be

it may all be meaningless in the end
there may be nothing more after we die
and life may all be an illusion my friend
just a figment of imagination - not a lie
but a dream we embody in the blink of an eye

so i cry all the time somewhere inside
feeling every child who has ever died
feeling the insensitivity of pride
and the cruelty of fear and love denied
but i laugh at the futility as much as i cry
for this life is a moment, a blink of an eye
and whatever it means beyond all we can see
all we have is this moment to share, you and me
all we have is this moment to be
the best we can be