be with me

besides the music

2011-11-06T03:10:00.000-05:00

like the latest or the oldest or those in between, musical journeys have always been a heavy influence on life as i know it... but besides the music, there are a lot of things you would want to know me before you decide whether to really want to know me (and i don't necessarily mean in the biblical sense, as in sex (and they say the bible is not porn), but rather in any sense deeper than hello how are your what's new and so on...

one thing you should know is that i have imaginary best friends and also celebrity best friends, some i've actually met and they will remain nameless due to respect for privacy and some i only know from reading/listening to almost every word they've said or sung or written and they speak from my mind so often that their writings and ramblings (statements, opinions, beliefs, and so on) are close enough to mine (high probability) so you can use them as a barometer to gauge whether we might be compatible beyond the superficial politeness of acquaintances and casual friends...

harry chapin would top the list... george carlin would probably be a solid second with john lennon a close third... they could easily be my representatives, if you follow the reasoning... there's a start for your reading list (head start, no doubt), i mean, if you really want to start to have some sort of conversation starter to actually (really) get to know me beyond the...

repetition :)

heck if i know

2011-08-16T00:15:00.001-04:00

the joke on me is i often don't remember who i am (at least not on the surface) because in this world, so few people are who they are in daily life and i've learned to fit in, but i subliminally unconditionally trust myself to record who i am in words from time to time so i can remember who i am in case someone really wants to know me and (yeah, you guess it) be with me...

if course that does not guarantee i will be able to actualize me even if i am reminded who i am (the conundrum of human frailty, no doubt... fools we are who give into the delusion for we lose touch with the truth that we are masters of our own illusion)...

there's always hope (i hope) :)

and music :)

all or nothing

2011-07-09T15:13:00.000-04:00

for me it’s all or nothing
and no one gives it all
oh there are those who say they do
but even they’re afraid to fall

for me it’s all or nothing
there is no compromise
and i’ve yet to meet anyone
who does not depend on lies

how many times
can we re-write history
or just forget it
does that really set us free?

how many ways
can we redirect our love
into fear, into hate
or into a god above

do you ever wonder why there’s war
or what we are really here for
or why so many true loves end
or if you really have a friend
can you truly open your mind
to even more than we can find
dare you embrace the reality
of infinity possibility
and unconditional love and trust and honesty
completely open love and trust and honesty

for me it’s all or nothing
any less is disgusting
do you put limits on your love
and how much are you trusting?

for me it’s all or nothing
there is no right other way
and i’d rather be alone than wrong
so now what do you have to say

.

.

.

silence is an answer too

and nothing new

.

.

how many times
can we re-write history
or just forget it
does that really set us free?

how many ways
can we redirect our love
into fear, into hate
or into a god above

do you ever wonder why there’s war
or what we are really here for
or why so many true loves end
or if you really have a friend
can you truly open your mind
to even more than we can find
dare you embrace the reality
of infinity possibility
and unconditional love and trust and honesty
completely open love and trust and honesty

this song does not have an end
there are no neatly tied up conclusions
it is the truth’s intrusion
or maybe just my illusion

this song may not have a friend
there is more or less a hope and a prayer
that someone might hear
and someone is there
are you there
are you here
do you care?

.

.

.

lonely but (to be with me)

2011-05-22T04:30:00.000-04:00

yes i am lonely but
i don't want to compromise
yes i am lonely but
i will not settle for lies
yes i am lonely but
i don't want loneliness
to be a substitute
for happiness

yes i am lonely but
that is not where love comes from
yes i am lonely but
loneliness can leave me numb
so how are we to tell
if what we feel is real
when if could be loneliness
is distorting what we feel

just because you don't want to be lonely
does not mean you really want me
i could be just a convenience
someone to keep you company
for loneliness is a powerful drug
and drugs can leave us undone
so just because i am desperate for a hug
does not make you the right one

so if you can understand
then before you hold my hand
take the time to talk about
the things we can't live without
and if you can comprehend
what it means to be a friend
then we can help each other out
to get to where there is no doubt

whether it's loneliness or desire
honesty will take even higher
for together we don't have to be lonely
so we can be to open to what we really want
that is what friends do for each other
and if we find love in each other
or if we find love in another
either way we help each other discover
it's not loneliness that takes us higher
it is being honest with desire

so yes i am lonely but
i don't want to compromise
yes i am lonely but
i will not settle for lies
yes i am lonely but
i don't want loneliness
to be a substitute
for happiness

so yes i am lonely but
the cure for that is a friend
so can you be my friend
you see to be with me
you first must be my friend
to be with me
you first must be my friend

tears

2011-03-16T02:27:00.000-04:00

i cry all the time somewhere inside
feeling every child who has ever died
feeling the insensitivity of pride
and the cruelty of fear and love denied
but i laugh at the futility as much as i cry
for this life is a moment, a blink of an eye
and whatever it means beyond all we can see
all we have is this moment to share, you and me
all we have is this moment to be
the best we can be

it may all be meaningless in the end
there may be nothing more after we die
and life may all be an illusion my friend
just a figment of imagination - not a lie
but a dream we embody in the blink of an eye

so i cry all the time somewhere inside
feeling every child who has ever died
feeling the insensitivity of pride
and the cruelty of fear and love denied
but i laugh at the futility as much as i cry
for this life is a moment, a blink of an eye
and whatever it means beyond all we can see
all we have is this moment to share, you and me
all we have is this moment to be
the best we can be

wide awake at 4am again

2011-02-18T04:47:00.000-05:00

how many times will i write the same line
will i use the same rhyme
is it all the same crime

oh how many ways can i sum up the days
will i act the same plays
is it all the same maze

the wind blows no answers tonight
just the same old story board i write
how long since i first put down in pen
and i am wide awake at 4am again

i know i need to be in love
i know i've wasted too much time
i know i ask perfection from a quite imperfect world
and fool enough to think that's what i'll find

how many times will i sing the same song
will i right the same wrong
will i ever belong

how many times will i recall the scene
do you know what i mean
was it all a dream

so long ago

can you imagine what the world would be
like everyone lived honestly
can you imagine how your life would feel
if you let yourself just be real
all the time
all the time

oh my god i can't believe it's happening again

and again...

and again...

tbc...

:)

sudden introduction

2011-01-15T01:30:00.002-05:00

the one aspect of the plentyoffish profile that is in error, at least in large part, is the aspect of self-control assessed by the website which their test rates as low and further compounding that error, they associate low self-control with poor attention to detail... those who work with me would laugh as their biggest complaint is my almost anal attention to detail, but then, that is an essential aspect of investigative work and data analysis, both part of what i do for money in this world... but that aside, the amusement (or irony?) may be that i do impulsively visit the plentyoffish site every few weeks (usually when i see my roommate visiting her profile and that reminds me that i have one) and a couple of times i actually attempted to reach out to someone (she's a kindergarten teacher who closed her profile with New beginnings are wonderful. Hello Wonderful :) inspiring my smile) and this sudden introduction is what emerged tonight (any wonder why I remain alone? lol lam lal :)

I love your profile, but then, I am a kindergartener at heart (that is to say, in a completely serious and sometimes silly way, the child inside is alive and well in me)... It's not just the kid in me who loves what you wrote though, the whole person I am is applauding your words as you've expressed what a relationship is in my mind and also how to continue after a relationship ends... and I love the word wonderful – and I love the way you used it :)

I am not sure why I joined plenty of fish. I have not actively looked for a relationship in more than a few years. I want to unconditionally trust a best friend who wants to be my best friend (to know and trust everything about each other). That cannot be done online nor merely in words (though I love the written word in so many ways).

Years pass so quickly when life is busy when one loves job that can take as much time as one wants to give it and has lots of friends around to play with when one want to play. That is the live I experience today. All work and play might not make for a dull boy, but all work and play without intimacy and romance makes for... ambivalence?... laughter (at self), at least. Often I am told that I am too honest for my own good, probably because I trust myself, intend no harm, and do not live my life based on what others think of me. Most fear, or at least are not comfortable with, a completely honest open person.

My last romantic relationship was in the 90's. It was the third time I fell in love, the first time since high school. I licked wounds, healed as much as one can heal without another intimate test of how healed that is (can we truly know without trusting enough to expose our "ugliest" scars and the worst experiences we've known and still actually trying again?). I am not sure I want to try again. That is likely because I have not met the person who inspires me to try again. I do not think my baggage is in my way. I do think that anyone who does not have some baggage has not truly experienced love or loss. I believe that our experiences are part of our identity if we do not live in denial.

The next relationship I enter will be with someone who understands this because she will be my best friend first (at least that's the plan and that has me laughing at myself once again because I do not plan much, but when I commit I commit for life - the few I have given my all to will always be with me in some way because I know that true love never ends, even when the trust burns and turns to dust - but does the ability to love and trust unconditionally rust?... I hope not :)

I write a lot. For those who do not love words, I write too much. If you want to know the way into my heart, love words, love rhymes, love music, love caring and sharing and learning and giving and helping. Love life and experiencing every moment as much as possible in every way. Dare to actualize unconditional love and trust. I do. Just ask my roommate or test me yourself as you wish. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else can and yet, there's always hope (an incorrigibly hopelessly hopeful romantic optimist, that child inside is :)

As I see an ideal (hey, we can dream, right?) relationship is when two people share everything because they love everything about each other and everything that each other loves and where the activity is not mutually shared, the one not participating becomes a fan of the other (or something like that). I'd like to know what you think, who you are, what you want, where you've been, and if we inspire each other's smile, the deepest depths and the superficial distractions that make you who you are.

I live near UCF. For money, I am with Quality and Risk Management at a children’s hospital. For fun, I write, sing, run/exercise, cook/eat, and enjoy audio/video at home or at shows, concerts, movies, and anywhere creativity might be found. For fun with friends, I share those activities and also play table-top games with friends. I enjoy other activities, but there’s a start at favorites. I will be in Altamonte playing cards at a friend's late tomorrow night. Also on the 29th at a friend's clubhouse with about 60 people, some friends and some strangers, who love to play board games, word games, cards, and other games. A great way to meet people if you enjoy playing table games. You are very welcome to come and meet in a group atmosphere. They get together through meetup.com, the Orlando Game Night Meetup. Or you could write back, call, or communicate in some other way. I hope you do.

Honesty, that is all I ask for now. Too much? (there's always hope :)

Ric
http://candoor.net
http://facebook.com/bwebbot (I am there more than here as friends use facebook to make plans)
407-325-1482

part of me

2010-09-16T01:33:00.005-04:00

(not just a kim carnes song, or cover, for that matter), but the facts of life as i know them is that there are threads (and not just a carole king song, or tapestry, for that matter) weaving through life connecting moments and people and memories and promises and magic and poems and more (and prayers for some, or alliteration, even) and everything old is new again or something like that, but ever so seriously (like a brick to the forehead), i sensed she (a singer known as dia frampton) would touch the roots (the deepest threads of me, that is, and she did at first eye contact… but she was a child standing in the rain and i was an aging rocker even wetter staring at her smile in the midst of the warped tour a few years back) and her words (and music) and several times she blew through my mind (even more than stevi nicks once did, but there are not dozens of letters written to the fantasy of knowing her today cuz I’m older and wiser and more mature and realistic and stupid, or something like that) and finally, she did (you can also listen below, with one less thread) and maybe it means something to you too, but to truly know me (which is a prerequisite to being with me), you must understand this thread and to stay, you must accept it (the feeling, the promise, the dream, the magic, the one, the love, it stays with you if you let it) will always be a part of me for the threads of love never end (they just go on and on my friends, and not just a shari lewis song, or lambchop, even)…

who you are

2010-08-14T13:32:00.000-04:00

i want to know who you are
why you live
why you breath
how you sleep
how you feel
what you do
what you want
when you shine
when you know
who you are

i want to know where you go
when you dream
when you love
how you live
how you breath
while you sleep
while you shine
what you are
what you share
why you love
why you go
where you go

i want to know everything
about you

do you want to be loved
unconditionally
do you want to be adored
beyond eternity
do you want to be cherished
infinitely
do you want to be trusted
completely
totally
honestly

without reservations
unconditionally

i want to know what you feel
how you think
how you are
when you soar
when you fold
where you dance
where you fly
why you live
why you lie
who you trust
who you love
what you love
how you love
why you love

i want to know everything
about you

the real (challenge)

2010-07-01T03:26:00.003-04:00

from the first thought in my head i understood alone, there was only me in my head, but the lure to share was powerful and overcame the reality of being alone, the delusion of sharing, the co-dependency, swallowed reason and replaced it with romantic delusion that lead to emotional, psycological, and even physical addictions... blow after blow of reality tore through the delusions and still i somehow rebuilt the dream i made so real in my mind... the dream called falling in love and sharing everything in every way with another being... the fact that we would both be alone no matter what was consistently ignored year after year producing the ache of addiction brought on by belief in the delusion... and then, somewhere in the last onslaught of the real aloneness forced upon me by the absolute betrayal of unconditional trust and abandonment, the power of the delusion exploded like a supernova in my mind and suddenly, though my conscious mind may not have noticed, the addiction was gone... infinite space remained... and i accepted the reality of aloneness (completely?) and may never be able to forget again...

but there's the challenge for you, can you make me want to forget again? :)

for the love of words

2010-04-17T00:21:00.000-04:00

and sharing...

looking for someone who loves to blog
who loves to write and share
the dreams and hopes and fantasies
and creative play in words online
would you be a friend of mine
will you play with me
you are welcome to design
the words that you see
presentation has effect
even blah blah blah blah
the on meaning and affect
yours to discover

looking for someone who loves to write
and to communicate like this
for the love of words is such a sweet delight
it is a mental kiss
that leads to mind bliss
do you understand
the pleasures of the mind
the passion we can share
for the love of words
even blah blah blah blah blah
the wonders of this way
ours to uncover

it can be as goofy as a corny old song
it can be uter nonsense, i'll still sing along
it can be profound meaning taken most seriously
it can be anything as long as you share it with me
for you are anything and everything to me

looking for someone who wants to play
with words and images this way

la la la

narf :)

distractions and deeper desires

2010-03-14T01:18:00.000-05:00

I’ve got to get a handle on my impulses today
I’m letting imbalanced lusts get carried away
and I have not been writing to myself enough lately
letting distractions dilute deeper desires in me

looking for connections
comments messages and tweets
looking for attention
looking for someone who wants to meet
internet diversions
wanting to believe I’m finding friends
just wishing and hoping
the long term loneliness ends

but I keep so busy that I don’t
remember to keep in touch with myself
I wonder if you understand
I don’t let myself feel as lonely as I am

I’ve got to get back to taking care of myself
not just the momentary impulses
but the dreams long stashed up on a shelf

I’ve got to get back to the depths deep inside
not just the simple happy daily smiles
but the passions that have been so long denied

looking for connections
but too busy to see
looking for attention
but not giving enough attention to me
internet diversions
watching tv and playing games
just wishing and hoping
somebody will share more than names

but I keep so busy that I don’t
remember to keep in touch with myself
I wonder if you understand
I don’t let myself feel as lonely as I am

I don’t want to feel the desperation
I don’t want to settle for one night stands
I don’t want to choose someone just to quell the loneliness
I wonder if anyone understands

I’ve got to get a handle on my business today
I’m letting work and light play get carried away
and I have not been writing to myself enough lately
letting distractions dilute deeper desires in me
I must return to the deeper desires in me

here is the one

2010-02-19T02:37:00.001-05:00

where is the one who finds passion in words
who finds sleep pushed aside every night
where is the one who sings sweeter than birds
who does not have an off switch on their inner light
where is the one who will stay awake with me
who gets too excited to sleep over creativity
where is the one who lives to feel the energy
of emotion, who can stand this much intensity
this much sensitivity
this much simply being free

I know you are out there somewhere
I can feel your energy reaching out
and if you have not found someone like you
who understands what life is really all about
then I hope you will find these words in this song
and I hope you will pick up the phone
there’s a part for you to sing along
right here next to me, you’ve always known
even though we are always alone
that together we’re never alone

we can share the bump and grind
we can share the cuddle and purr
we can share the wild eyed passion
we can share the winter’s brrrr
we can share the seasons changing
we can share the magic touch
we can share the believe in love
and the feeling of wanting too much
and we can share everything
so it’s never ever too much

here is the one who finds passion in words
who finds sleep pushed aside every night
here is the one who sings sweeter than birds
who does not have an off switch on their inner light
here is the one who will stay awake with you
who gets too excited to sleep over creativity
here is the one who lives for everything you do
with devotion, who can stand this much intensity
this much sensitivity
this much simply being free

you know I’ve been here looking for you
as you’ve been looking for me

to love someone

2009-11-11T02:49:00.002-05:00

are you sitting by yourself
are you hanging out with friends
are you starting new beginnings
are you contemplating ends
are you listening to me
are you hearing me right now
are you feeling anything
are you wondering how

to love someone
to love someone
to love someone
right now

are you putting on a smile
are you feeling lonely too
are you wishing on a star
for someone to come to you
are you within the sound of my voice
and will you turn on your light
do you understand that love's a choice
and you can make it tonight

do you want to love someone
do you want to love someone
do you want to love someone
alright

here i am in front of you
holding out my hand
hoping for your heart
do you understand
will you dare to trust
and give love a chance
to blossom into pleasure
and grow into romance

do you want to love someone
do you want to love someone
do you want to love someone
tonight

are you suddenly alert
are you thinking about this
remembering how it felt
to touch, to feel, to kiss
are you letting yourself dream
will you dare to wake up now
see me holding out my hand
will you let me show you how

(will you try to understand)
(will you remember how)

to love someone
to love someone
to love someone
right now

I am putting on a smile
I am feeling lonely too
I am wishing on a star
for someone just like you
I am within the sound of your voice
I am turning on my light
and I understand that love's a choice
I am making it tonight

I want to love someone
I want to love someone
I want to love someone
tonight

unconditional (partial)

2009-11-10T02:27:00.001-05:00

what would you do if i could not walk?
would you still want to be with me?
what would you do if i could not talk?
would you still be able to hear me?
what would you do if i could not see?
would you still want me to feel you?
what would you do if i grew old and frail?
would you still want to be by my side?

look into my eyes, what do you see?
what really attracted you to me?
what would you do if it was all gone?
would there be any love to carry on?

where is the unconditional love
is it only in dreams?
is it just me or have you found
love is seldom as it seems
where is the unconditional trust?
is it just fantasy?
is it just me or have you found
trust is an impossibility...

for rarely is it tested
often it's a mistake
it lives so well in dreams
but dies when we're awake
so rarely is it lasting
unless it is faked
have you ever met a promise
that did not break?

look into my eyes, what do you see?
what really attracted you to me?
what would you do if it was all gone?
would there be any love to carry on?

where is the unconditional?...

almost listening Alice Peacock's I'll Start With Me

lover

2009-04-20T00:08:00.000-04:00

looking for a lover
a lover of words
a lover of childhood
innocence and birds
a lover of playfulness
a lover of songs
a lover of feelings
the weaks and the strongs

i’m looking for a lover
a lover of smiles
a lover of journeys
the learning and miles
a lover of peacefulness
a lover of love
a lover of senses
life and all those we dream of

love to share the word play
the language of emotions
the sharing of each other
betrayals and devotions
love to share the passion
of seeking truth or bust
love to share the dream
of unconditional trust

i wish you every night
i wish you every day
i wish you were here with me
in every single way
a lover of romance
a lover of the tears
a lover of intensity
overcoming fears
a lover of laughter
a lover of love
a lover of wonders
life and all those we dream of

i am looking for a lover
a heart that is true
i am looking for a lover
could it be you?

someone like you

2009-04-13T01:08:00.001-04:00

is there anybody out there?
anybody alone?
anybody want a partner?
still secure on your own?
it’s not because you are needy
it’s not because you are weak
but because you love sharing
and it’s love that you seek

is there anybody out there?
anybody free?
not looking for a replacement
you know you are complete
it’s not because you are frightened
it’s not because you are empty
but because you love caring
and you’re looking for me

you don’t understand the human crutches
you don’t share the typical human needs
you don’t need to be told what is holy
you don’t need to be told what to believe
you don’t need to fit in with the masses
you don’t care about popularity
you don’t need to follow the ways of the crowd
and you don’t need to follow me

but you want someone just as independent
just as strong and secure as you are
you want to share everything completely
that is what you wish on a star
unconditional love unconditional trust
you want to believe true love can be
something we create and can make real
sharing fantasy in reality

is there anybody out there?
you know you’re different
you don’t fit in
and that’s alright
you’re true to yourself
enjoy your reason
and still you dream
and not just at night

what some call enlightened
you just call your way
you enjoy your life
you fulfill your day
you want to share your nights
with someone who’s true
someone who’s different
someone like you

i’m waiting out here
waiting for you

rhymes

2009-01-01T12:00:00.001-05:00

some times, i find the words to speak my heart
some times the words will fall into a metered rhyme
then some times, the structure seems to fall apart
cuz i don’t think in structured thoughts or metered time

but i think in rhymes
and i feel in melodies
and i wish for time
to share in harmonies
i feel it is a crime
to live a life unshared
i feel it is a crime
to find that no one cared
cuz nobody knew you
beyond your face and name
nobody understood
your joy or your shame
i feel the saddest thing
this life can be
is a life lived completely
without harmony

what about you?
how do you
set yourself free?

some times i find the words to say what is on my mind
some times the words will tell me what i need to do
then some times, clarity is so hard to find
i wonder if this ever happens to you

is this just the way
a writer goes through life
expressing everything
from peak pleasure to strife
in words that flow
without a conscious plan
or is this just the way
of this one honest man
is this just my way
to try to understand
what is going on
and what might be planned

I want to know
what do you
understand?

i think in rhymes
and i feel in melodies
and i wish for time
to share in harmonies
i feel it is a crime
to live a life unshared
i feel it is a crime
to find that no one cared
cuz nobody knew you
beyond your face and name
nobody understood
your joy or your shame
i feel the saddest thing
this life can be
is a life lived completely
without harmony

what about you?
how do you
set yourself free?

is this just the way
a writer tries to share
expressing everything
hoping someone will care
in words that flow (like this)
without a conscious plan
or is this just the way
of this one honest man
is this just my way
of reaching out my hand
is this just my way
to find my own band

what about you?
what about me?
what about us?

is this just my way
to reach for wonderland?
i don’t want to be
a one man band

i think in rhymes
and i feel in melodies
and i wish for time
to share in harmonies
i feel it is a crime
to live a life unshared
i feel it is a crime
to find that no one cared
cuz nobody knew you
beyond your face and name
nobody understood
your passion or your pain
i feel the saddest thing
this life can be
is a life lived lonely
without harmony

i think in rhymes
and i feel in melodies
and i hope to find
someone to share with me
a whole life time
living in harmonies
in heart and mind
in complete honesty
this is why i am here
to find a way to share
this is why i am here
to show i care
this is one way i try
to hope true love finds me
to share the highest high
to set myself free

what about you?
how do you
set yourself free?

how do you share yourself?
how do you find your honesty?

what about you?
how do you
set yourself free?

who is my friend

2008-12-23T20:06:00.002-05:00

who’ll care for me
when i lay down
when i am tired
or sick or weak

who’ll carry me
when i lay dying
when i am old
when i can’t speak

who’ll speak for me
when i no longer
have a live voice
when i am gone

who’ll care for me
in the last days
who really stays
to carry on

who’ll dream with me
in the final hours
who’ll be with me
up to the end

who’ll care for me
who is my friend
who’ll care for me
who is my friend

discomfort

2008-12-22T17:54:00.004-05:00

there is massive (pun intended) discomfort in the body these days and that brings me to wonder why i am even socializing if i am in no mood to share the body (cuz it’s not all about the sex?... or even the physical comfort?... so why are we alive then?... well, hopefully cuz we want to be and we want to enjoy the experience of being here… and the sex, nothing wrong with sex, as long as it’s mutually comfortable… ah, long live the sense of humor cuz it’s something the only sense i’ve got left)… another step closer, perhaps...

so if you want to be with me, you’ll need patience, a whole lot of patience… and the time to sit and watch, to sit and talk, to sit and listen, to sit and be… and walk and lay and run and float and hug for a long long time… for i seek gentleness and innocence and almost most of all, patience and understanding… if you want to be with me, you’ll need to sleep with me first and i mean sleep… for i seek someone who fits in the pauses, the time outs, the silences, the depths where the secret dreams live… for i seek most of all, the stillness in moments between the heartbeats, were we share uninhibited unconditional love and trust…

these are the days of my self-imposed discomfort and it is a test… a test of will, a test of strength, and test of belief… for in you want to be with me you’ll have faith in me, believe in me, and see beyond the fool pushing the limits of life itself in this body and past the aging uncomfortable physical shell into the me living inside… find comfort in this, even amidst discomfort, that will inspire me to bring the great experiment of overindulgence and typical human frailty to an end and slowly one morning we will wake up to find the comfort once again… and then, if passion comes, we will roll with the flow...

still want to be with me?

song for amy (where nobody else goes)

2008-12-16T03:14:00.001-05:00

so tell me about yourself
what makes you who you are
what secrets does your heart whisper
when you wish upon a star?

i want to know the stuff
that everybody knows
but true friends take me to
where nobody else goes

and i sense you could be
important to me
so tell me about yourself
if you feel similarly

and if you just want to be friends who wave
a smiling passing hello
we can enjoy each other’s company
and hug when it’s time to go

i’m not asking for anything
that you don’t want to give
but true friends take me to
where i want to live

sharing caring making love
is what makes me who i am
i live to find my soul mate
i hope you understand

i want to know the things
that everybody knows
but i live to find my
true friend
i wonder if it shows

i live to share the place inside
where nobody else goes

so tell me about yourself
what makes you who you are
what secrets does your heart whisper
when you wish upon a star?

i want to know the stuff
that everybody knows
but true friends take me to
where nobody else goes

these words

2008-12-02T04:59:00.001-05:00

this is what i do
when i am alone

i'd rather be sharing
i'd rather be holding someone's hand
i'd rather be kissing
i'd rather be making love

i'd rather be caring for someone
who is caring for me
living in the physical world
being all i can be

and sharing it all
with someone sharing it all
with me

but this is what i do
when i am alone

i dream of sharing in the words i write
i dream of loving all through the night
i dream of caring in the physical world
with someone who's arms would unfurl
and wrap around me, and they would feel
everything in me that is real
and i would feel
another person just as real

but when i am alone
this is what i do
it keeps me from feeling too lonely
or getting too lost in the blues
when i am alone
this is what i do
i dream in these words
i write to you

sleep is for the ones who can
this is what i do
i dream in these words
i write to you

a child

2008-11-16T21:09:00.000-05:00

i am a child
please lock me away
and throw away the key
if i can not be what i am
if i must be what you want me to be
just put me on a shelf
i'll weave baskets or pottery
if i can't be myself

i am a child
please try to understand
i do not want your rules
or the back of your hand
if i must jump when you say jump
just send me to my room
i'll live in my own fantasies
rather than your world of doom and gloom

i am a child
i am not afraid of you
you can fuck me or kill me
the worst you can do
but nothing you do will change me
put that on my tombstone
the fears and corruption you live
you can keep for your own

i am a child
i mean no harm
you can not take my innocence
you can not take my charm
my magic is believing in
the wonders of being alive
and no matter what you do
my dreams will survive

i am a child
we're always being born
you may be afraid of us
or you may simply mourn
the loss of your childhhood
you're caving into fear
you can make your choice, but not mine
can i make it more clear

i am a child
i will keep coming back
to remind you of your mistakes
and of the strength you lack
you can sell your idealism
you can condemn your soul
but you can not stop me from playing
out my destined role

i am a child
the martyr on your cross
the one burned at the stake
i represent your loss

i am a child
the hope for tomorrow
the pain of facing truth
the end of your sorrow

if you will stop trying to own me
and stop living in fear
and let a child lead you
you will become aware

i am a child
you are a child
i am a child
you are a child
i am your child
you are my child
i am my child
you are your child
i am a child
i am a child
i am a child
your turn...

from a love

2008-11-15T04:01:00.000-05:00

we come from a different time
when love was as simple as sleeping together
body contact with an innocent touch
and if it felt good even better

we come from a different place
where love is as honest as holding each other
feel our heartbeats and breathing as one
being with trust in each other

all the rules and judgments
humans seem to need
all the fear and labels
that make people bleed
all the divisions that
keep people apart
all the confusion that leave
people broken hearted
we started sharing love
before all that started

we come from a different mind
where love does not need to be figured out
or explained or justified
just shared without fear or doubt

we come from a different heart
where love does not need public approval
where love does not need to be defended
where love does not need to be pretended

where love does not need validation
where love does not mean separation
where love does not mean putting others down
where love does not mean dividing a town

where love does not mean condemning anyone
where love does not come at the point of a gun
where love does not wait for after we die
where love does not teach us how to lie

where love does not wait for a certain age
where love does not bleed on history's page
where love does not demand conformity
where love is alive and real and free

we come from a love that some people pray for
we come from a love with no wall or door
we come from a love people say they want to find
a love they once knew but all left behind

all the rules and judgments
humans seem to need
all the fear and labels
that make people bleed
all the divisions that
keep people apart
all the confusion that leave
people broken hearted
we started sharing love
before all that started

mutual fantasy

2008-11-14T01:37:00.001-05:00

play with me, little girl
i won't touch you if you don't want me to
just play with me, little girl
i just want to have fun, don't you?

let the walls come tumbling down
and laugh at fear cuz there's not harm in me
play with me, little girl
let's find a mutual fantasy

inside of me is a child of four
and an infant wanting only to be held
most of me is ready to have fun
deep in my heart i want to start a meld

sharing everything the way only is done
in infancy and with the one the one
the one who understands and shares it all
because we mean no harm and hear the call

of the child inside
when someone really cared
wow, wouldn't that be sweet
if someone really cared

sitting here alone
dreaming of sharing
sitting here with me
dreaming of carinf

what if i cared about you
what if you cared about me
what if we made it real
physically
sensually
playfully

play with me, little girl
i won't do anything you say no to
just play with me, little girl
i just want to have fun, don't you?

yes little girl
strange as it seems
i have the control
to help make your dreams
come true
for you
and if you see
that is the dream in me
to share the dream in you
cuz that is what i dream about too

in the child inside
when somebody really cared
wow, wouldn't that be wild
if somebody really cared

all the lonely people
who puts them to bed?
all the sleeping dreams
in each and every head
who really cares about them
who really shares?
did you ever feel it
when somebody cares?

let the walls come tumbling down
and laugh at fear cuz there's not harm in me
play with me, little girl
let's find a mutual fantasy

play with me, little girl
i won't do anything you say no to
just play with me, little girl
i just want to have fun, don't you?

with the child inside
be the child inside
cuz the child inside
knows when somebody really cares
and wouldn't that be a dream
somebody really cares

little boys want to have fun too

a lover's song

2008-11-04T21:22:00.001-05:00

you know i want to love you
i can see it in your eyes
the secret looks you give me
so don't pretend surprise
in all your insecurities
the hunger still shows through
you know your fire can burn me
but i/m still wanting you
yes you know this is true
i want to love you

and it doesn't matter how far apart
others might tell us we are
the rules do not matter when feelings like this
bring wishes down from the stars

and it doesn't matter if everyone else
says we've got no right, it is wrong
they don't have a clue about what love is
not when it comes on this strong

you know i want to love you
i can see it in your lips
as they secretly kiss me
a tingling in your hips
sense shivers down your spine
as you face what is true
you want to feel my loving
as much as i want you

you can taste it
(i can taste you)
your scent is in the air
you can smell it
(i can smell you)
can't hide being aware

bodies tremble
fingers ignite
the first time we touch
stars flicker
muscles tighten
we want it so much
the first time we touch
is all night

and when the morning comes
we're sprawled across the floor
two animals in heat stroke
only wanting more
wanting more
more and more

you know i want to love you
and now you are secure
and you want to love me
we know what we're here for
we're here to love each other
and we want more
all the time
we love loving each other
more and more

stop, in the name of...

2008-10-20T22:50:00.009-04:00

keeping in touch...

that is what the internet has always been about for me... while ego loves the dream of fame and mass adoration... and all different parts of me get off on the creative inspirations and potential for interactions... and the rhymer and writer and music loving part of me loves the idea that some collaboration could happen... and the romantic (hopelessly hopeful, of course) dreams the one (or at least a libido fantasy) might come along and find me irresistible... the bottom line has always been - to keep in touch... find the beginning and it becomes obvious...

and now?...

and now, finally faced with losses i was so hoping would not become real, finally faced with the wasted time of believing the worst could not really happen, the worst arrives with a smile and a dance and a hope that all i said about the value and meaning of the music and map and story of a lifetime was just a joke, i mean, i wasn't really serious about how important that stuff was, was i?...

or something like that...

let's just overlook how simple and considerate it would be to have taken me seriously and even now, put the pieces back together... and to think i held out hope all this time... and all i have left are the pieces of the dream... a dream that i'll give all the love i can give every day of this life for as long as i live and then some, yeah maria, and you too maria, but my heart, you know... a dream that someone will be with me...

there is a bottomless pit of despair, a gaping wound of betrayed trust, a wide-eyed star of disbelief, and a child wanting to know - can i trust myself again... for i surely failed myself when the big one came... all these wasted years... there is a mountain of sorrow, an abyss of agonizing memories, and yet, all the baggage is right at the door of the plane waiting for someone to take my hand and jump with me... the bags can stay right there and fly away without me...

who could be so bold, so brave, so daring, so secure and trusting as i have been throughout this life... someone who could be with me.

creative loneliness

2008-10-20T05:46:00.003-04:00

every now and then there is a loneliness
and it gets so intense
deeper than i can explain

it comes from somewhere inside the core of me
and it's an agony
that wants to shut down my brain

it comes when creativity
wants to share
but only finds a void
beyond the smiling faces
annoyed
i cry out silently
who will care?

but if anyone hears
no one responds
i mean, what can you say when you see
when all hope is gone

and the creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to care
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to share...

a numbness falls upon the arms and legs
with such gravity
the hands cannot turn the page

a fatigue swallows all the energy
all movement suspends
is this just what comes with age

it comes when creativity
wants to share
but only finds a vacuum
and the body needs air
so sad
i cry inside of me
who will care?

but if anyone hears
no one responds
i mean, what can you say when you ...
just carry on

and the creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to share...

but if anyone hears
no one responds
i mean, what can you say when you see
. . .

and what do you see
when you look at me
from so far away
as you do today
from out in the crowd
you just see a cloud
there's just fantasy
without intimacy

you can enjoy the song
but you can't see
the depths beneath
the creativity

you can enjoy the show
but you can not be
a real part of
the creativity

and the creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to share...

still a muse from far away
is better than no muse today
so i thank you for your cheers
your laughter and your tears
the loyalty, the years

even if they are all in my mind
the memory
the fantasy
makes creativity
deaf dumb and blind

and somehow . . .

more kind

and somehow . . .

that is kind

what was left behind...

the creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to care
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

and the creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

creativity
wants to share
but nobody's there
and nobody's here

creativity
wants to share...

creativity
wants to share...

creativity
wants to care...

creativity
wants to share...

creativity
wants to share...

what it will be

2008-10-08T02:14:00.000-04:00

the room spins in the shadows of the ceiling fan
the dust settles fast as it blows
the story is written in blood on the stones
the truth is told nobody knows

poets praise prophets and prophets curse poets
and pirates raid profits for fun
lovers and losers and lasers and liars
all fall at the sound of the gun

there is no difference between us
even as we struggle for identity
there is no magical purpose
even as we pride for posterity
there is no heaven in waiting
even as we grovel toward eternity
there is no ultimate meaning
there is only you and me
in this moment
you and me
and what we make of it will be
what it will be

the great ball of fire in the sky gives life to all
the dust settles as fast as it lives
the story is written in ash on the fields
the truth is what nobody gives

preachers praise saints and saints stay silent
as pirates raid pulpits for fun
holy and sinners and winners and saviors
all fall at the sound of the gun

there is no reason to go on
even as we fight for our victory
there is no virtue or value
even as we pose for our history
there is no great final reward
even as we pray for humility
there is no grand design
there is only you and me
in this moment
you and me
and all we feel and see
and what we make of it will be
what it will be

starry starry night

2008-09-12T02:09:00.000-04:00

it sucks to be vincent
in a world that doesn't care
it sucks to be vincent
when you want to share
it sucks to be vincent
there's false joy in despair
it sucks to be vincent
ask anyone who's been there

consistency

2008-08-08T08:08:00.000-04:00

if i came here every day and wrote something meaningful, something profound, or even just something that i wanted to share, innocuous, personal, general, specific, serious, irreverence, nonsense, or whatever...

would it matter in the end if you missed an entry?

start

2008-04-30T04:38:00.001-04:00

there are a lot of facets to my personality because there are a lot of perspectives in my head and i take all and none completely seriously… that completely seriously moment awaits the one who shares it… it is not planned, i cannot seek it, it will happen when it happens… and while i wait i explore and enjoy each moment of this life as much as possible, open to everything, focusing on the positive, seeking trust and balance and peace and love and hoping to share it…

so if you want to know me,
come sit beside me,
lean on my shoulder a while
listen to me breathe,
feel my heart beat,
share the energy of a smile

look into my eyes with your open mind
and ask me what you want to know
expect only honesty
and you will get it
unless you want me to put on a show

but if we're just playing games
then it won't be long
before one of us will have to go

take my hand, feel my skin,
ask and tell me where i've been
share the same honest story of you
and we can begin
to know what is true,
if you want a friend
then start knowing honest love
it inspires unconditional trust
dare to leap into it and you'll find
there is no end

there is no end to love, my friend
there is no end

and if you want to be with me...

t.b.c...

this one is for you

2008-03-22T04:14:00.000-04:00

this one is for you
and only you
reaching above the bar
you know who you are
it's not competition
it's just being you

this one is for you
and only you
reaching beyond this world
for what is right and wrong and true
it's not any judgment
it's just being you

this one is for you
and only you
not hung up on guilt or shames
not infested with myth or games
believing in your senses
and in what you feel in your heart
not someone else's heart
this one is for you
for thinking with your own mind
for being responsible for yourself
not hiding in some book on a shelf
you don't need a God to be good
you were not carved out of wood
not clay but living tissue full of love
and you don't need anyone telling you what you should do
you can believe what you see with your own eyes
and you know anything is possible
so you do not fear change or surprise

you do not fear nudity
you have grown out of infancy
you do not worship man's money
you know true security
self-contained and alone and free
so you can share completely
and live openly
and honestly
all life can be

this one is for you
and only you
I love you

this one is for you
and only you
I love you

this one is for you
and only you…
I love you

approaching 4am (the dream of love)

2008-02-28T03:15:00.001-05:00

yes, here i am again, just past 2am
reaching out into the silent night
stretching out in time, dreaming in a rhyme
wishing on a star for words to write

wishing for the words that touch your heart and bring you here to me
wishing for the words that paint a smile deep in your soul
wishing for the words that let you know no greater love can be
than the love we can create – it's ours to control
within the power of our minds we can touch what people call god
within the power of our hearts we can know everything
within the power of our love we can understand it all
in the love we create – in the song we sing
in the love we create we are a part of everything

there is no need to sacrifice unless you doubt your faith
there is no need to wage a war unless you are afraid
there is no need to own a thing unless you cannot share
and if you cannot share you cannot care and you will not long be here
but it is still a choice you make with your inner voice with your inner light
it is the message you send out into the silent night

so here i am again, approaching 4am
opening up to what most call above
rolling back the time, coalescing rhyme
breathing life into the dream of love

here i am again, approaching 4am
becoming part of what we all dream of
where there is no time, everything can rhyme
living breathing sharing the dream of love
living breathing sharing the dream of love
living breathing sharing the dream of love

ashes and rust

2008-02-04T01:22:00.000-05:00

sometimes i just wanna sit home and lick my wounds
and many the wounds i've got
so deep and wide and everlasting
but that's such a waste of time
and who wants to go through that
even if it's in rhyme

sometimes i just wanna curl up and cry it out
and many the tears i've shed
so deep and wide and everlasting
but drowning is no way to live
and who wants to go through that
even if it's a gift

trust, may be the most precious thing of all
beyond measure, such a treasure, if you know
doubt may be the most corrosive thing of all
unproductive, so destructive, let it go

when all you want is someone who knows you
when all you want is someone who cares
when all you want is to cut through the superficial crap
to reach the point of no return with someone who shares

a trust, as challenging as it is beautiful
beyond reason, every season, may you know
doubt will eat you alive if you invest in it
unproductive, so destructive, let it go

when all you want is someone who wants you
when all you want is someone who understands
the dreams in your heart that make you who you are
the becomes the foundation for shared journeys to wonderland

of trust, gives everything a deeper meaning
beyond anything that could have come before
when all doubt can be left behind
that's when you find your peace of mind
in sharing what this life is for and more
the trust that makes you feel safe and secure
just trust, shared down to the core

sometimes i just wanna lament missing sharing
and just feel the loneliness
that comes from being without trust
as days can feel like eons
so deep and wide and everlasting
but that's just a lack of hope
that let's doubt in like ashes and rust
and who wants to go through that
even if it leads to trust

sometimes i wonder

2007-12-16T02:11:00.000-05:00

and sometimes i wonder
who really cares
when nobody's near me
and nobody shares
and nobody knows me
or hears my heart beats
the times i've been lonely
and out on the streets
times i could have died
and no one would know
who really cares
if i come or go

i wish i could know
the unconditional trust
the faith others seem to have
or is that just illusion
how do you know what is real?

i wish i could know
the unconditional love
comfort others seem to have
or is that just illusion
how do you know how it feels?

maybe i am missing something
essential to the human experience
but i've never known the answers
that others seem to take for granted
am i just too dense

sometimes i wonder…

.

.

.

and if in the end
the love you give
comes back around
will i receive it too
i've given all i have
many times over

and if in the end
the unconditional
is only an illusion
is it real if it's shared
how can i know?
oh oh oh oh oh

sometimes i wonder…

wishing on a star

2007-12-01T04:51:00.000-05:00

wishing on a star
for someone to understand
i'm not sure what happened
if anything was planned
it did not work out right
i'm full of broken dreams
but can it be as bad
as it seems?

wishing on a star
for someone to care enough
to take the time to know
how challenging and rough
this life has been so far
and how hard i've tried
to give love and be good
only to be denied

what's the use of crying my eyes out
to fall asleep and wake after another lonely night
what's the use of trying to figure it all out
when no one seems to care if i get anything right
what’s the use of giving everything i've got
if all i find is people who just take
what's the use of believing in honesty and love
when all it does it force my heart to break

what's the use of going on
i have no answers now
it feels like all hope should be gone
but it's not
and i don't know how

i just keep
wishing on a star
for someone to understand
the journey i've been on
is it a wonderland?
it's been bliss and despair
loneliness and love
hope and trust in dreams
i keep dreaming of

as i keep
wishing on a star
for someone to care enough
to take the time to know
how sensitive and tough
i have been so far
and how much i want to
give love and be good
to a heart that's true

don't be cruel
don't be cruel
is it you?

wishing on a star
for someone to understand
i'm not sure what happened
if anything was planned
or what is wrong or right
i only know my dreams
are all i'm living for
or so it seems

wishing on a star
for someone to care enough
to take the time to know
everything and stuff
that makes me who i am
and how i want to share
to give love and be good
to someone who cares

i just keep
wishing on a star
for someone to understand
the journey i've been on
is it a wonderland?
it's been bliss and despair
loneliness and love
hope and trust in dreams
i keep dreaming of

as i keep
wishing on a star
for someone to care enough
to take the time to know
how sensitive and tough
i have been so far
and how much i want to
give love and be good
to a heart that's true

don't be cruel
don't be cruel
is it you?

wishing on a star
for someone to understand
wishing on a star
for a gentle hand
wishing on a star
for a shared wonderland
where unconditional trust
and honest love command
and fear is not allowed
to overpower love
and doubt is replaced by faith
in these dreams we dream of

wishing on a star
for unconditional trust
and honest love

some things that are wrong

2007-07-17T01:45:00.003-04:00

judging bugs me, but in some way, we all must judge for ourselves what is right and what is wrong... it is a frame of reference for all of our choices in this world... so i ponder some of the things i feel are most wrong in this world and most of them start with humans...

not making up your own mind... most humans pretend to be independent and claim to want freedom and pretend, arrogantly at times, to know what they believe, but observing objectively, most humans just follow the leader and believe in and do the same things, right or wrong, that the vast majority of humans have been doing for most of recorded history and probably well before... the blind leading the blind is wrong...

glorifying war... i have yet to believe one justification, one reason for the cheering and celebration of any group of people actively building and using weapons to, with calculating precision, deliberately kill other humans... if cannibalism is wrong, then why not genocide?... and to glorify those who successfully kill?... so often in the name of a leader who wrote a book based on fundamental laws that include thou shalt not kill just makes the whole concept and action a mockery of the leader, the book, and the hypocrisy behind it all... war is hell, remember?... and hell is wrong...

the military industrial complex... people killing people is big business and glorifying war is one of the primary missions of the business... just what would all the factories and people working to build weapons do if the human race suddenly chose peace and love and understanding instead of conflict and hate and war?... unemployment is the great fear the military business plays on as they hide behind the flag that they will burn as quickly as they wave it just to make a profit...

the drug industry... most people are addicted to drugs, from caffeine to cocaine, from chocolate to valium, from aspirin to prozac, from laxatives to anti-biotics, the drug industry pushes their product on us harder and better than any street corner drug pusher ever could and we buy into the quick fixes and legal highs and modern medical experimentation as fast as any addict or guinea pig ever did... people are just rats in the maze...

the alcohol and firearms industry... is it ironic that the government combines these two into one department, or is it just poignant... just like the drug pushers, the alcohol makers provide the legal poison that european white men gave to native north americans in order to repress and destroy them... most humans rely on fire water to cope with stress... mosdt humans are afraid to socialize without alcohol... and guns, the every day local military mindset is fed by the gun industry... the macho men and the criminals carry and use guns take, to steal, and to bolster their fragile egos... humans addictions do not stop at war and drugs and alcohol, for most people are just as addicted to violence as anything else...

the news... perhaps the single most depressing, destructive, and time-wasting activity i see people do is watching the news... not only do the newscasters pander to the lowest weaknesses and most base fears, but they exploit stupid and gullible people with ridiculously obvious repetivive dramatics, cliches, and rabble-rousing over the petty and pitiful foibles and tragedies that respect would leave private... but when it comes to the news media there is no respect for human decency or ethics or that supposed leader who wrote that supposedly holy book with those supposedly fundamental laws... there is the pretense of concern, but obviously no real concern for people as people are to be exploited in the news stories and by the advertisers alike... and that's the way it is...

tabloid tv and print media... almost as bad as the news because it does the same thing and even worse invasions of privacy and telling lies, at times, but at least the yellow rag media does not take itself as seriously as what is pretentiously called the fourth estate or the legitimate media... from the light hearted celebrity exploiting gossip shows to the hard core and potentially dangerous paparazzi to the ridiculous my mother was a space alien stories that call out from check out lines in supermarkets, it is representative of the superficiality and disrespectful approach to life and to each other most humans choose these days... and this makes me sad...

tv... while i love audio and visual stimuli and i love reading and watching fiction, the majority of commercial television is the commercials, the news, tabloid crap, and talk talk talk just to sell more crap... most of the fiction suffers from a pitiful lack of creativity and shows a complete absence of originality...

and this is where i shall pause... there are other things about life on thise planet that i feel are wrong, like pollution, abuse, poor parenting, arrogance, and the processed and fast food industries, the religion business, but i'll leave those and more for other times when i have more time... this is some of what you need to know if you want to know me, share with me, and be with me... and if you really want to be with me, you can create your own commercial now...

what's it all about?

2007-04-08T06:10:00.001-04:00

I dunno... maybe just another futile attempt to believe I can somehow create the illusion of actually sharing and being together with you through words on the internet... whomever you might be... more than my dream or reflection I hope... maybe Zoe can explain it, or maybe she's asking the same questions... thinking aloud into the void, the ether, the cyberspace... is anybody out there?